so awkward when the bill for the wall comes out and no one reaches for it
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[two weeks into the zombie apocalypse]
Me: [ventures outside] oh my god there’s a zombie apocalypse
just thinking about how I had a convo with a dude who said he thinks he’s allergic to almonds bc they make his tongue itch but chocolate is a good anti-inflammatory because his tongue doesn’t itch when it’s chocolate covered almonds…
“I better pee first.”
– me, before doing anything
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
#HatDadJoke
ATM is telling me I have insufficient funds. Worst part is I was just walking by minding my own business.
me: I just hate delivering bad news over the phone
firefighter: *staring at burned down building* ok but you still should’ve
Posh sugar daddies are called fructose fathers
Me: Close your eyes. Give me your hand, darling. Can you feel my heart beating? Do you unders…
Dr:(removes stethoscope) Really? Everytime?
I spent a solid 10 minutes lecturing my kid about not writing on the couch with a pen and she said “It’s a marker not a pen.”
Driver: My God… that weasel…
Onlooker: He just went… “pop”…
Weasel’s family: *sobbing*
Ice-cream man: I’ve got an idea for a song y’all.
Her: Oh, you brought me flowers!
Me: Yes, one of the many benefits of living next door to a graveyard…
them: what’d you do on your day off
me: wake up earlier than necessary
[cop writing me a ticket]
me: cmon can you just give me a warning?
cop: sure *leans in* warning, you’re about to get a ticket
What if all your muscles can taste but your tongue is the only one you usually put food on
The only equipped I am is ill.
I drive an extra five miles on my way home from work so I can access my mailbox from the drivers side.
Me: That guy is a bad apple.
6-year-old: He’s a person.
Me: I just meant he’s mean.
6: Probably because you called him an apple.
i got you a candy necklace for a present but then something happened so i got you this string instead
Who wants to hear about my Wordle streak? Anyone? Hey, where ya guys going?
Must be nice to only have body issues once a year.
Sure Italian food is expensive but I think it’s worth every penne
Found an ant in my bathroom today, which is weird because I haven’t had a picnic in there for like 3 months.
Me: I did a line!
Grandma: you’re supposed to say Bingo
Me: *wiping coke off my nose* what
Son: *picks up backpack* I’m off!
Me: Where are you going?
Son: The bathroom. I hear it’s great this time of year. Been planning this trip for minutes.
[later]
Me: How was your trip?
Son: Highly recommend it. Good to get away for a while.
My mom: sure use any towel.
Also my mom: not that one.
The hardest part of having multiple kids is explaining why only your first child has a baby book.
A policeman stops a car…
Policeman: “Whose car is this, where are you headed and what do you do for a living?”
Miner: “Mine.”
I am scared of asking people how old I look cause the idiots might guess correctly.
Exposing kids to violent video games is appalling. They should be in church praying to a bloody statue of a man nailed to a cross in agony.
husband: you’re so sweaty. did you work out?
me: [just ate half a block of cheese] yes