I buried a time capsule when I was 9. This is the year we are going to dig it up.
I can’t wait to see how big my puppy got.
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Phil Collins’ “In The Air Tonight” is the best ever song about a silent but deadly fart.
Sorry I threw your baby but there was a spider on her.
Friend zone?!
I’ve been sister zoned! And if one more dude pats me on the head, I’m telling mom!!
How do people know spiders are more afraid of me than I am of them? Like, did you ask him? Because only one of us is screaming right now.
Boss: Dan why is your hand raised?
Me: can I go to the bathroom?
Boss: Dan you’re 23. This is a business meeting
Me: so that’s a yes?
I’m sorry, I don’t have the energy to walk a mile in your shoes. I’m just going to go ahead & judge you.
There’s a new trend in China where people make and eat spiceless “white people lunch”, as form of self torture.
And their commentary has me crying 😭
All squirrels fly when you own a T-shirt cannon.
Why does the dentist have to take an X-ray of my teeth. They right there bro
You ever in a public place and overhear something and look around to see if the person looks as stupid as they sound?
My signature move at family dinners is waiting for someone to put their drink down at the table & then moving it when they go to the buffet.
Email from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Voicemail from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Text from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Receptionist from the dental office in my kitchen during breakfast on Friday: You have an appt today at 2 pm
They really missed the ball when they named it Gotham City instead of Wayne’s World.
Potato chips ARE vegetables! I exclaim as I tear open the third bag
Just overheard the phrase, “pregnant with a baby,” and secretly wondered what the other options were
9: I’m going to live with you guys forever
me: I don’t ever want to hear those words come out of your mouth again
Mars: I’m wet
NASA: I’m coming over
i don’t want to rock and roll all night. i want to sleep all night without having to get up and pee 39 times
narrator: and here we see the majestic bal-
toupeed eagle: what?
Oh, dearest paracetamol,
A mystery to me,
Why sometimes you cost £1.10,
But sometimes 20p.
When asked by the creepy guy at the bar “Why aren’t you smiling?” my go-to answer is always “My yeast infection really is bubbling up.”
“If anyone knows a reason why these two should not marry, speak n-”
SHE ONCE COMMENTED ‘FIRST’ ON A YOUTUBE VIDEO
*ring bearer vomits*
OMG I’M SO OLD AND OUT OF TOUCH WITH POP MUSIC WHAT SONG DOES BREXIT SING
My kid has been not so subtley asking when April 1st is for the last three days and I am afraid to get out of bed
WAITER: whaddaya have?
DADDY: go ahead son, tell the nice man what you want to eat
TODDLER: *extreme slingblade voice* you got any o’them french fried puhtaters? mmhmm
*cashier stares at obviously fake ID*
you sure you’re 3?
*dog panics and runs out of the store barking*
When wood plank seating is finally abolished, it’s over for you benches
A great way to grow your account is to run your phone through a paper shredder.
Keep ignoring my texts and I swear to God I’ll leave a voicemail.
These baby cardinals are thugs. They muscle all the other birds away from the feeder. I saw one put out a cigarette in a blue jay’s eye.