If a gym has 75 treadmills, 1 is being used, what do you do?
You go home because it’s your favorite one being used
Math is easy
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remains to be seen, not heard
– undertakers
If you can pronounce Worcestershire I’ll assume you can do all sorts of fun things with your tongue.
What the kids in the Etch A Sketch commercials could draw:
mountains, murals and beautiful landscapesWhat I could draw:
damaged stairs
Beethoven: hey everybody, this next song’s called “Für Elise”
Elise: omg, we broke up 6 months ago, get over urslf
B: SHUT UP ELISE I LUV U
Not to brag, but I always go to the hottest cashier at the store and she always checks me out.
I’m not a professional actor, but I have successfully pretended to care how coworkers’ weekends were for decades.
I use a headshot from 2008 on my LinkedIn to prepare future employers for disappointment
Why are sports teams named after animals? Why can’t it be the Atlanta Cherry Blossoms… or the Denver Lettuce Wraps.. ?
I was supposed to be abducted in ‘03 but my chain wallet got caught on a fire hydrant and they beamed up the squirrel I was feeding instead. God speed tiny ambassador of earth.
“Those ducking cops will never catch me!”
– dialogue from the action-adventure video game Grand Theft Autocorrect
Made the mistake of telling my work wife about my Twitter crush. Long story short, the judge awarded her half the snacks in my desk and my good stapler.
Once again not all heroes wear capes
This a good idea
I grew up so poor our dog could only get one rabie.
Me, in my *best* Sean Connery voice: Would you like that shaken or stirred?
My friend, horrified: Maddie, please just give me my baby back.
If by cleaning the house you mean did I light a scented candle then yes I cleaned the house
The best part of working retail is when a customer insists you “check in the back”
Our inventory system is pretty rock solid, Susan, but sure, I could use a 5 minute break pretending to look
Me: I need the other guy
Him: I’m the head surgeon
Me: [with a broken foot] exactly
My son: I need a nap, I’m so tired.
Me: Aw buddy – didn’t sleep good last night?
My son: no, I just couldn’t sleep in class today like I usually do.
Me:
[Wrench factory]
BOSS: I’m proud to say it’s been 250 days without an injury!
WORKERS: *celebrate by tossing all the wrenches into the air *
If your partner asks, “Do you love your phone more than you love me?”
Lie.
This year for Halloween I’m putting my kids in a giant bowl on the front step with a sign that says Please Take One.
I can see the appeal of being a nudest everytime I do laundry
*1st day in hell*
Devil: So you just sit in this room and people give you gifts
Me: Oh nice
Devil: And you have to react to each one
Me: NO
How to properly use a paper clip:
1. Throw in garbage
2. Use a stapler
Friend: There are plenty of fish in the sea
Fish in the sea:
I toured a defense contractor executive’s home
I carry a bar of soap in my pocket so when someone tries to talk to me I can pull it out and say someone is paging me and leave.
casino dealer: ok all bets on the table
cat: [pushes bets off the table]
dealer: stop that are you in or out
cat: YES
My kids played camping today and my job was to stay in the tent and sleep, I’ve never been so good at a game before