So Beyonce had a strict diet prepping for Coachella..no dairy, no carbs, no alcohol, no meat, no fish, and no sugar. I know some women with that same diet prepping for a wedding. You are marrying a guy name Dan who eats chicken pot pie at diners, ya’ll can have some bread.
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The only way an adult coloring book could help calm my stress is if it was somehow edible.
How dare you call me mentally unstable, on this, the day of my cat’s quinceanera.
Dr: What seems to be the problem?
Me: It’s my hearing, Doctor.
Dr: Can you describe the symptoms?
Me: Mmm, well, there’s Homer, Bart….
I am the all knowing oracle, you may ask me one question
“How do you pronounce quinoa?”
[it’s just covered in sweat] um can u ask me another
Be kind. Everyone is going through something. Heartache. Financial stress. Their bananas ripened too quickly. Having the song from the Jardiance commercial stuck in their head because it’s aired 5 million times a day.
We all have our battles to fight.
Putting a carrot next to you in bed can almost fill the space where Megan used to slep
Rethinking this whole Mastodon thing
I grew up living paycheck to paycheck , but through hard work and perseverance i now live direct deposit to direct deposit.
*wife walks in*
*sees cheese balls everywhere*
*shakes head*“what? 8 won’t get better at catching food in his mouth if we don’t practice”
I must have been a raccoon in a former life. I started out cute and cuddly but the older I get the hairier and crazier I get.
Now I have a garbage pallet and I’ll probably hiss at you for touching my snacks.
I still like to cuddle though.
If my dad were still alive today I’m sure he’d be really pissed off over that whole cremation thing.
Two hard boiled eggs I left on the table before going to wash hands?
Nothing is more confusing than a perfume commercial.
sliding into dms like
when i tell guys i want a baby i just assume they kno i don’t mean a human one. i want a baby antelope, a baby hedgehog, a baby lizard
Giving someone wind chimes is a nice way of saying “I didn’t want these wind chimes anymore.”
Woke up this morning with a pillow over my face, hearing someone muttering “…it would be so easy…”
“I never trust anything from the government!”
*uses highways
I forgot the term “stylist” so I said “exterior decorator.”
“Pardon me. Might I murder you with my musket? Yes? Excellent news, kind sir!” – The Very Civil War
Not today, today.
Not today.
‘Too much’, ‘not enough’. or ‘just right’? 😂
I can’t do small talk I just asked the lady cutting my hair what she does for a living
My wife is going to the hair salon today so for the next few hours I will be practising my reaction.
Me: The older I get, the less I care who sees me naked.
Post office employee: Thank you for at least wearing the mask.
If I were the person naming diseases, Chronic Lying Disorder would be called Liarrhea.
[Interview]
Your resume just says “I’m a mom”. Why in the world would I hire you?
Me: BECAUSE I SAID SO THAT’S WHY!
People are ruining the word Daddy, my kids are going to have to call me ‘homie’ or some shit.
I’ll never forget when I posted about graduating medical school and becoming a doctor, and this girl from my hometown just absolutely publicly humbled me.