So Beyonce had a strict diet prepping for Coachella..no dairy, no carbs, no alcohol, no meat, no fish, and no sugar. I know some women with that same diet prepping for a wedding. You are marrying a guy name Dan who eats chicken pot pie at diners, ya’ll can have some bread.
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Someone asked me if I’d choose potatoes over cake. Buddy I’d choose potatoes over democracy.
Why is it called an everything bagel and not a bagall.
Amazing how a fight can break out at the grocery store over something as simple as knocking over someone’s cart and demanding they fight you
[first date]
OK don’t let her know you’re a snail
Waiter: Would you like some salt?
[flips table over] OH HELL NO [bolts out real slowly]
I wanted to join a street gang when I was a teenager but I failed the dancing audition.
9/10 students agree that someone got lost on the field trip
security at the airport getting more straightforward
Wow, what a moving acceptance speech from John Lithgow:
CDC wants to be clear that only weddings should be canceled due to Covid-19, but if you’re already married then that’s still going on.
Do bouncers get paid in toothpicks or are they a part of their uniform, or what exactly is the deal here?
I’m NOT Superman.
What appears to be a red and yellow S on my chest is just the result of a rather fortuitous mustard and ketchup stain.
[baby finally falls asleep]
ME: *tip toes to couch* I can finally relax
DOG: I’M GONNA BARK FOR NO REASON
Baby rabbits🐰 look like wise old Kung Fu masters.
3 Hurricanes
2 Wildfires
A wild tiger roaming I-75Who decided to play Jumanji?
Doctor: It doesn’t look good
Me: What? You haven’t even tested me for covid yet
Doctor: Judging by that outfit you’ve clearly lost your sense of taste
8:00 AM: Too tired to think
Noon: Too tired to think
5:00 PM: Too tired to think
Midnight: How do dragons blow out candles??
“How do you call the police?”
— my 5yo, angry because he can’t have his iPad
DATE: I want to date someone that is really into nature
MY BRAIN: say you like hiking
MY MOUTH: I’m planning to go off the grid & move into the mountains to become a forest troll soon
toothpaste is a big scam. if ur tooth falls out, it stays out. toothpaste Will Not paste it back in.
Well it’s been a week and I’ve already f’ed things up so here’s to 2025
WHY IS THAT COTTON CANDY TALKING?!
“Grandma, that’s Niki Minaj.”
Benjamin Button
Started off dead
Violets are blue
Roses are red
Parenting books don’t prepare you for the moment your seven year old asks for Brussels sprouts in his lunchbox
Adoption Agency: it takes a village to raise a child
Hamlet: feels discriminatory but ok
Husband: Are we ordering out for lunch or eating here?
Me: I was just going to have something frozen here.
Daughter, from the other room: I WANT SOMETHING FROZEN 2.
guys: women are a mystery.
women: Here is what we-
guys: LITERALLY WHAT DO THEY WANT?
women: well for start-
guys: Guess we’ll never know!
So he says ” Nice glasses” and I say ” Thanks! They’re for seeing ”
*slaps knee*
Not much is worse than that feeling of going back to work after a lunch…or a vacation…or just going to work in general
Label: Non-habit forming
Me: Challenge accepted
Thought my husband’s new soap was a block of cheese, and now I’m disappointed and he wants to know why it’s slightly chilled