I went to the gym today.
Just kidding, I walked down the block and yelled at the neighbor kids for screaming while I’m trying to nap.
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Over 400 billion people a year are victims of exaggerated statistics.
My son just lost a tooth and wants money, not soy sauce packets this time.
A 2-hour movie called “Can You Watch My Kid For Like 15 Minutes?”
The new Ring movie looks terrifying
So, if he gets divorced for the third time…
Does Melania get to keep the White House?
HUMANS EVERYWHERE: If only it could feel like a weekend every day
COVID-19: Hold my beer
Only shaving the parts of my legs where the holes in my jeans show skin isn’t lazy, it’s efficient
[bank]
Associate: are you here to take out a loan?
Hitman: don’t worry, I’ll make it look like an accident
Kids today will never know the horror that would come from seeing a payphone start ringing suddenly in the middle of the night.
The reason cats are so pissy is they’re God’s perfect killing machines but they only weigh 8lbs and we keep picking them up and kissing them
How’s homeschooling going?
I just failed grade 5 math.
Again.
anytime I meet someone who doesn’t like dogs I assume their backstory is that they were cut from their high school basketball team because airbud took their spot
The Untrained Meteorologist is a classic
🤣🤣🤣🤣
Me: I really ought to eat more fruit
Also me: I donut think so
When a stranger changes in front of you, they’re either interested or you’re friend zoned.
It’s hard to tell from this tree.
*Opens twitter*
*Sees Polio is trending*
*Closes twitter*
It is the year 2047. After making a movie based on every single one of its theme park rides, Disney is forced to make a movie about the line for the Disney World bathroom.
Mike Pence getting booed at Hamilton is the worst thing to ever happen to a politician at a play
I dropped off some paperwork at coworker’s house last night. I guess he hadn’t mentioned I was coming & one of his kids asked me who I was. They were eating dinner so I said, “I’m the food police. I’m making sure everyone is eating their vegetables.” That broccoli was gone, man.
Friend: There are plenty of fish in the sea
Fish in the sea:
Date nights are great to bond with your spouse over why the hell are the spoons in the fork rack
Hotel Security just knocked on my door to deliver a package. He asked for indentification. I showed him my book,with my name and face on it
Sorry your team lost. Maybe you should’ve told the players what to do more loudly from your recliner.
The year is 2025. The few survivors of the great plague of 2020 roam the irradiated wastelands of the planet, singing Happy Birthday to themselves constantly. Nobody really remembers why.
Turns out if you don’t click “turn in” when you’re done with your assignment on google classroom, you won’t get credit for doing it.
– my 11yo, genuinely shocked at this discovery
are you comfortable? perfect, your kid needs something
Nothing gets me hotter than seeing those three little words. “Out for delivery.”
Expecting Parents,
PLEASE
I beg you
Please look at what your child’s name will be spelled backwards.Sincerely,
Marlana
DAD: i’m sorry but your mother and i would like you to stay away for awhile
ME: i understand. who knows what could happen with this virus
DAD: what virus
*stubs toe
*puts $100 in the swear jar