Fun Fact: If you lie down in an aisle at Walmart for a couple hours, they will tag you and put you in a clearance bin.
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Me: But I’m sweaty, I’m anxious, my heart rate is up
Doctor: This is the 3rd visit I’ve had to tell you I can’t treat being offended online
“How you like dem apples?”
“Just shut up and eat, Frank.”
Trust that the Hallmark Channel filmed three whole Christmas movies during the 10 minutes it was snowing in Burbank.
*throws penny in fountain for good luck
*penny seems upset and doesn’t want a second date
That awkward moment when mom says 3 is the perfect number of kids to have, but you’re her 4th
A girl on Facebook says it’s officially too cold to go outside. Thank you for your official confirmation, Madison, I will remain indoors.
Breaking news:
[my kid while eating a hard boiled egg]
mommy, what flavor is the yellow part?
If my body is ever found dead on a jogging trail, just know I was murdered elsewhere and dumped there.
I think this should do it.
interviewer: do you feel like you have grown as a person?
me: ok well I was literally like a foot tall when I was born
Prisoner:*strapped into chair* Flip the switch & fry me.
Guard: Oh, we’re not electrocuting you…
*college kid w/ acoustic guitar walks in*
The nine most terrifying words in the English language are: I’m from the government and my name is Dracula
3.
The number of times you can flip a grilled cheese sandwich before you notice that you have the pan on the wrong burner…cuz of Twitter.
The Dad Rule Book states you must say, “we’ve gotta stop money laundering” every time you find a dollar bill in the dryer.
Canadian winters be like:
Today’s high is -23, but with the wind chill it feels like -57.
To be honest, the only reason I’m interested in space is to experience the sublime satisfaction of throwing an enemy out of an airlock.
My 7yo asked her brother for a hug and it was the sweetest sibling moment, then off to school he went with a slap me sign on his back
I bring my kids to a romantic restaurant on Valentine’s day as a birth control reminder to the other couples.
thinking about ignoring daily mess by creating new holiday decor mess
Me: Remind me of your name again?
Ben: It’s Ben
Me: one week since you looked at me…
Me, telling the kids were eating Mexican tonight.
13, on phone with friend: We’re going to eat chinchillas for dinner…
Me: CHIMICHANGAS!! It’s chimichangas not chinchillas…🤦🏻♀️
CREEPY DUDE: I’ll give you some candy if you get in the van.
HANSEL: He seems nice.
GRETEL: I’m starting to think you wanna die.
Probably the hardest part about being God is deciding between two equally terrible youth soccer teams that have just prayed to win.
Friend: compliment her eyelashes, girls like that
[later]
Me: you have nice eyeball hair
So supportive, you should change your name to Wonder Bra.
This strip mall certainly is misleading
And I probably should put my clothes back on now.
I was the president of the fencing club in high school. We only met once, and then the cops found all the stolen property.
doctor: you want a note to get out of work?
me: please
doctor: [writing] you’re… fired…
M: Your cover gets blown on every mission, James. Perhaps you should use better aliases.
James Bond: I should use better what now?