@rhysjamesy: So cute how this taxi driver is taking an unnecessarily long route and driving slowly so he gets to spend more time with me.
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@AdamOfEarth: Optimus Prime: "I transform from a robot into a truck. You?" Amazon Prime: "I transform money into regrettable internet purchases at 2 AM."
@cuntrystronggal: I'm sorry you got offended that one time you were treated the same way you treat everyone all the time.
@Vodkantots: [on first date] Him: What's your sign? Me: Vertigo Him: You mean Virgo? Me: I mean your stupid fucking questions are making me dizzy.