So cute how this taxi driver is taking an unnecessarily long route and driving slowly so he gets to spend more time with me.
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The way your stick figures take up your whole back window tells me you need a bigger car and a class on condoms.
Went onto the patio and found out that my daughter is in the process of making fake dog doo with insulating foam sealant. Do I ask or just let nature take its course? #QuarantineCrafts
why pay kristen stewart millions of dollars when a cardboard cutout of kristen stewart will give the exact same performance for free
Trains delayed due to:
– Wrong kind of sun
– Ominous cloud
– Slightly damp leaf
– Chilly track
– Suspicious gravel
– Sarcastic swan
Rather than vote, let’s all fill out the 29 dimensions of what we want in a president and let eHarmony decide.
History may repeat itself but a toddler does it better.
“Don’t make eye contact, honey. We don’t want any trouble with them.”
I have a three year old, a one year old, and a dog, and when I discover that someone chewed up my magazine and peed on the rug the dog is never my primary suspect.
If you love someone set them on fire. Did I get that right? Oh god what have I done. It’s SET THEM FREE isn’t it? Sorry burning loved one.
*snaps wife’s nighttime eye mask*
You up?
Whenever a long lost friend calls me, I get suspicious & wonder if he’s calling me to sell Amway products..
Me: School starts in a few days.
7-year-old: Not if you can’t find me.
At least the self-checkout doesn’t ask me what I’m making for dinner with these items or when I’m going to call my mother.
i don’t get why IDs expire as proof of identification. ima always be me, right? right???? what does the govt know that i don’t
murderer: i forgot all my murder weapons
me: i’ll wait
HER: my dad hates puns but loves food
ME: got it
HER: dad, this my date
ME: hey papaya yam glad to meat u
HIM: *shakes then crushes my hand*
[Youth Pastor voice] You know who else got a surprise visit from the authorities?
Did you know that Icy Hot remains on your fingers 6 hours after application? Well I do, because I wear contacts.
As I move away from the hometown that’s nurtured and protected me ever since I was 9 years old, I fondly wave goodbye to the place that saw me grow from a 50 pound weakling in to a 250 pound weakling.
In Scooby Doo, 2021 they’re not allowed to remove the mask at the end
“I have limits.”
As I sit and sip glue from my coffee cup to hold myself together.
[drive thru] I just really need to talk about Buffy the Vampire Slayer and you’re the only one awake.
Probably the best newspaper correction ever
#BritishSausageWeek
*Pulls up to drive-thru window*
“Extra toilet paper please”
Do you mean napkins?
“Sure, whatever”
I just found out I have a half sister. It was the result of a magic trick gone really wrong.
Why is it okay to eat grapes in a grocery store but as soon as I pop a bottle of champagne, I get kicked out??
I can’t tell the difference between large, extra large and jumbo eggs. There, I said it.
*sees other guys posting photos of their abs*
*posts photo of me washing dishes*
*gets hit on by every woman on the internet*
When I’m horny, I stroll into rooms on all fours, with my ass shaking up in the air, meowing incessantly until someone throws a shoe at me.
For a cat named Jingles, his tambourine accompaniment to my blistering bongo solo isn’t that impressive.