@JustinGuarini: So did you have a nice,relaxing holiday asked the all people without three kids
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@TheBlessMess: Dear Coworker, If I'm nodding my head & smiling at everything you've said, this means I'm fantasizing about getting banged by David Beckham.
@Sean_Burgundy_: [ 3 AM ] Friend: I got a flat and I'm stranded Me: Do you have snacks in your car? Friend: No Me: *Hangs up
@GrantTanaka: black friday is crazy, I just maced a kid then some old woman shot me with a crossbow
@whereami18: My kids decided to move a piece of furniture to a random spot, I wonder how much it will cost to fix whatever they're covering up