So did you have a nice,relaxing holiday asked the all people without three kids
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Stop giving me life advice, people who don’t know how crocodiles have sex.
“I’m giving you a bath, with or without you!”
(and other ridiculous things I say as a parent).
Brain: You’re getting older.
Heart: No!! Age is just a number!!
Nose Hair: Shut up guys, I’m in charge now.
Every dog, in a previous life, has been murdered by a shoe.
There’s no limit to a child’s imagination? My 2 year old is yelling at me for taking too big of a bite from her pretend sandwich and she can’t make another one because we’re all out of pretend bread.
My family has a proud tradition of hunting down the worst possible person we can find, and then marrying them.
ME: my bald eagle is very sick, I think he needs to be put down
VET: that’s illegal
ME: yes I said that
Sometimes I get bored and try to get random people to read “alpha kenny body” 3 times fast.
How to get ready for things :
1. Procrastinate for 5 hours
2. Panic 10 min before leaving
I may not know much about a lot of things, but this fact I’m sure of:
A smoke detector battery will never go dead during the day.
Instead of folding all of laundry immediately wear everything in the pile. Issue handled; no fuss no muss
I can’t believe Halloween was 10 pounds ago.
The doorbell rang this morning, and it took a few seconds to realize what that sound was.
I wonder what went down that day to make them put *NO heavy petting* signs up at the public swimming pool
ME: I’ll have the steak, medium-rare please
WAITER: Sure, would you like anything on the side?
ME: To be totally candid I’d like it all on the plate
my nurse asked if i was born in the US and i said “no, i was born abroad” and then there was a long silence followed by her saying “can you please help me? i can’t find ‘Abroad’ on this list…” and showed me a drop down list of countries…
Life is too short beautiful and unpredictable to not tell people how you really feel
Her: That’s so sweet, I-
Green Day is overrated
Her:
The best way to move on after a breakup is to be open to trying new things. Today I’m throwing rocks at joggers.
I’m still disappointed that Penguin and Random House merged to become Penguin Random House and not the more hilarious Random Penguin House.
BARTENDER: taste this beer
ME: [tastes it] omg i literally can’t even
BARTENDER: it has pumpkin spice in it
ME: hmm… yeah that explains it
I only have eyes for you. I got them from the morgue. I’ll probably get arrested.
When they talk about CIA on cooking shows
What they mean: Culinary Institute of America
What I hear: spy-chefs
I’m pretty sure I’m smarter than my cat, but he refuses to take the test.
It unnerves me, because that’s totally what a genius would do…
I miss Taco Bell so much that tonight I drank a bottle of gorilla laxative.
A stranger was knocking on my door so naturally I hid, but then we locked eyes and she started knocking on my window. Thought this was common knowledge but if you’re knocking on a door and you see the person crouching under their window like an idiot turtle, no one’s home.
Unfortunately for Jane and Skipper, the hypnotist forgot to bring them out of the trance.
Did you hear about the armored car guard who was really surprised to get fired?
He thought he had job security…
I think I speak for everyone when I say how dare you, Oreo serving size, how dare you.
Harry: Want to see a magic trick?
Voldemort: Let’s see what you got Potter.
Harry: Got your nose!
Voldemort: You know I hate that game.
If I opened an Italian restaurant, I’d describe my lasagne as ‘Just like mama used to make’ because my mum couldn’t cook and neither can I.