The next time someone sneezes, please don’t say ‘God bless you.’
I just…I just need a day off from the sneezes, is that too much to ask?
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Throwing away any pizza crust is bad enough, but my son’s friend threw away a stuffed crust and he is no longer welcome in this house.
Made some terrible life choices the last few years.
Just kidding. I’m married and not allowed to make decisions.
Daughter:What’s a whore?
Me:Not now.
Daughter I’ll ask my aunt.
Me:You’re getting warm.
Daughter:Mom will know.
Me: You’re on fire!
In the next Mad Max movie instead of fighting over gasoline they should be fighting over toilet paper.
If you still had hope for kids today, a teenager in a bookstore pointed to a book title and asked me if it was about World War Two or Eleven
Ever since I learned the show is called Suits because of lawsuits and not because they wear suits, I have harbored a hot white rage within me beyond anything mankind has ever known.
[interrupts Pink Floyd]
“Actually, it’s AN education”
Dear nurses, you don’t have to announce my weight just write it down. That’s why I have my eyes closed when I’m on the scale.
Friends: Let’s roll a fatty
Me: I have a name guys and pls don’t
When you’re here for the treats.
So everyone in Boston got together and decided you can stop telling us to “be safe.” We figured that part out after shit started exploding.
For the well-being of our marriage, my wife and I have separate Amazon accounts.
Some dude was bragging about his brother being a navy seal and it’s like…I don’t care what colour he is, why is your brother a seal
Nothing says “thought of you, and masturbated” like ‘liking’ a girl’s Facebook photo from 2009.
I’m totally winning this weight watchers thing! I’ve eaten more points than everyone!!!
I hope I’m doing this right…
perhaps my fairy godmother went to the ball herself
sigh
I have my own hand stamper at home so my coworkers will think I went someplace fun the night before.
Did you guys ever prank your passed out friend by putting his hand in a bowl of warm water and then dropping a tiny toaster in it?
is the ultimate american drug watching an entire season of a tv show at once or getting married so you don’t have to die alone?
For the record I support all forms of pizza. Deep dish, thin crust, large folded, all good. Delivery? Yes. Home made? You bet. A man covering himself with sauce and cheese and standing outside my window singing Air Supply? It’s a yes from me, pal.
[clown cleaning shower]
MRS CLOWN: Don’t forget to remove the hair from the drain.
[clown just keeps pulling long multi-coloured hair out]
I think we should have a suggestion box at work but there’s no way for me to bring it up.
Chef: I like it when the roast beef falls apart.
Roast beef: *starts talking about its ex-boyfriend*
Buried bones of a famous crime family might be located at an Olive Garden. “When you’re here, you’re family.”
ME (age 32): I never had many friends growing up idk why
ME (age 12): I hope my baby legs fall out soon so my adult legs can grow in
If you know someone who is effortlessly happy all the time, that’s a demon. You’re friends with a demon.
I’m the guy that lures fragile old ladies into my windowless van at night with Werthers Originals.Then safley escort them to the bingo hall.
just had a salad but it didn’t make me laugh like women in stock photos
I just broke a mirror disco ball, I’m not looking forward to my 5,600 years of bad luck
[having helped prep some pistachios while my wife spends two hours putting together the rest of the meal] How about those nuts, huh? You can really taste the deshelling