“So, do you play any instruments?”
Me: *slaps knees for 30 minutes straight without breaking eye contact*
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Her: Wow, how’d you get that black eye?
Me: *thinks back to that husky raccoon lying in wait* BAR FIGHT
Some people were born into their job.
Heading to therapy. Let’s all cross our fingers that some good therapist jokes come out of this.
I had a very intense dream I was having an affair w/a famous Youtuber. I felt so guilty I woke up my husband and told him about said imaginary affair.
Husband took off his CPAP and said, “That guy? He’s not even hot.” Then put the CPAP back on and went back to sleep.
Marriage.
Do you ever feel like you’re a white shirt and life is a leaky burrito?
[heaven]
ME: Lord?
JESUS: My son
ME: I have an important question
JESUS: I know…The meaning of life is f-
ME: Is Die Hard a Christmas movie?
“I just wanted to create something that makes a horrible ripping sound. The adhesive aspect was just an accident.”
– inventor of velcro
Me: *scrunches my face*
13: Your forehead looks like one of those people from Star Trek.
Me: *gasps* HOW DARE YOU!… you know we’re a Star Wars family.
The problem with studying ancient Chinese art is I want some Mexican art a half an hour later.
I wish they made barstools with seat belts and dual side airbags.
In order to save money I installed a sound chip into my wallet. Now when it opens it plays a song by Creed so I quickly have to close it.
Just pulled my classic move of not replying to a text immediately to avoid looking desperate and the forgetting to ever reply to it, making me look unreliable instead.
I’m great at coloring eggs. Every morning I turn them black.
[Australian recipe for upside down cake]
1: make cake
Anteater Kid: What’s for dinner?
Anteater Mom: Don’t be a smart ass, Brandon.
if zombies drank more water their skin would look way healthier than that.
[coworker interrupting my story about how my weekend was] first of all McDonald’s doesn’t even have soup
saw a hinge profile that said “dom. cinephile.” like what, are you gonna tie me up with an HDMI cable and make me watch the seventh seal?
You think your wife is crazy now?
Try divorcing her
ME: If I donate my body, will it be used for weird and gross sex experiments?
SCIENTIST: Of course not!
ME: Oh. Nevermind, then.
If you die on Everest they leave your body there and you just become a part of the scenery. The same thing happens if you die in a Dollar General.
[400 pages into a fantasy book] ok there is no way this is real
My husband spent an hour at Home Depot yesterday and I spent an hour trying to find my husband in Home Depot yesterday.
Me: Let’s consult the Magic Eight-ball
Eight-ball: STEAL A CAR.
I grew up between two pig farms. So, you had me at “farm fresh” and lost me at “air.”
they spent weeks “Finding Nemo” and “Finding Dory” but Marlin sure seemed to give up way easier when his wife disappeared. kinda sus.
wife:Gotta go. You guys gonna be ok?
me [making my Pop-Tart pop out of the toaster and trying to catch it] Come on!
wife:9, you’re in charge
Get a red wallet that perfectly matches the red interior of your purse and have mini heart attacks every time you go to pay for something.
thank us. at 3rd floor. hit yourself. you will. 3 months. from now.
ME: let me take you to a nice dinner
HER: ok
ME: somewhere they make the food right there in front of you
HER: oh like Benihana?
ME: (slipping subway coupons back in my pocket) I guess so