“so doc… am I dying?”
“we’re all dying, just at different speeds”
“but what about me”
“You’re like, the Usain Bolt of dying dude lmao”
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Tombstones should just say how old the person was. I don’t wanna walk around doing grave math.
You totally had me at “I want you” and I was so excited, I completely missed the ” To leave me alone” part….Sorry my bad.
If ever a burglar entered my house, I take comfort in knowing they’d never get past the 17 pairs of shoes in the hallway.
ME: *peeing in the ocean*
WIFE: at least go in past your waist
Let this be a lesson to everyone: If you love someone, set them free to get married and then divorced and then have a series of mid life crisis relationships and get an embarrassing back tattoo and if they come back it was meant to be
Gonna get a job at Starbucks and write “Chad” on every cup.
I can’t seem to convince these dogs & cats that I don’t need their assistance in the bathroom.
It’s not the most ethical move in the world, but in a pinch you can hand off a cursed object to basically any baby.
[interview]
Boss: Your CV says eggs, milk, bread
Me: That’s right
[cut to supermarket]
Wife: Excuse me, where are the attention to details?
me:[drinking from a human skull]
him: is that full of blood?
me: don’t be gross [forgetting if his name is Robert or Roger] Robgert.
[Getting back into van after museum heist]
Me: Hey guys did you know that Neanderthals buried their dead?
Writing tip: Read all your writing aloud to yourself, having first made a pentagram on the floor in salt. A demon should form in the pentagram. Give him your manuscript and tell him the name of your preferred publisher.
I haven’t worn corduroy since that time I almost died in a fire chasing the ice cream man…
JUDGE: I’m going to hold you in contempt
ME [leaning in for a cuddle]: I don’t care how you do it
My daughter now associates height with age and refuses to believe I could be older than someone that’s 5’5”
“Give me a positive adjective…”
“Splendid.”
“Nice. Now how about a negative adjective?”
“Splendidn’t.”
4 year old twins that dress alike: aww that’s cute
40 year old twins that dress alike: ok knock that shit off it’s kinda creepy.
Kissed a receipt to lighten my lipstick but I need it to return something & now some cashier is gonna think I’m flirting.
I would move hell over six inches for you
Cellmate: What are you in for?
Me: The free food and healthcare
I’m at a hockey game and the players weren’t really trying but then a guy 5 rows up yelled “come on” and then they tried harder.
all i did was tell my dad i’m anaemic 😭😭
CONFIRMED: Pete Davidson is now dating Sims 1 Bella Goth 🫢🫢
Some things you recycle, some you throw away. For example: Paper & plastic you recycle. Opportunities, love and your future you throw away.
*his phone rings*
Me: who is she?
Him: huh
Me: who is Potential Spam!?
When I’m bored, I part my hair down the middle and pretend I’m a Hanson brother
Coworker: did you get a tan?
Me (fell asleep in my spaghetti last night): yes thank you for noticing, Ethan
What do you want to be when you grow up?
other kids: firefighter, doctor, scientist…
my 9yo: I’m gonna sell my Pokémon cards on the streets of New York.
STEVE: you misspelled my name
ME: Oh uh it’s a joke
LATER, TO STOVE: I’ll make you another cake when he leaves
honey it’s not what you think- we were planning your surprise funeral