So, #Dorners ID was found in San Diego a week ago and then unmelted in the burned down cabin? sounds legit.
You Might Also Like
history: itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself.
angel: so this birth thing should probably be as simple as possible
god: yeah i was thinking we start with an army of tiny genetic ghost tadpoles that live in the balls
angel: ok first question why
god: wait i’m not finished
Ted Talks how about Ted shut up for once
Girl: do you have a condom?
Me: c’mon what’s the worst that could happen
*hears a knock on the door
4: daddy I think I started a fire
GUY: Do you want to play fantasy football?
ME: Okay, I’m a quarterback with wings
Dear people up north: Your weather is down here drunk in my front yard. Please come get it.
Dance like no one is watching. Email it like it might be read aloud one day in front of a Jury.
Tinder, but for nearby people that have a printer you can use.
Welcome to HouseHunters. Brenda sells keychains on Etsy and Keith shoots birds at the airport.
They have a budget of $430,000…
the problem is that the world is filled with an unimaginable amount of pain and suffering but also an unimaginable amount of delight and beauty and we must bear this in our souls at all times but also still find time to like do laundry and go to the grocery store
[tornado warning]
*locks children and dog safely in basement*
*perches in a tree with binoculars*
Me: you know in that remake of mad max where the blind dude is playing guitar on the spiky death metal car with flames shooting out of it and people are swinging around throwing spears?
Wedding Planner: what
Pro: he does community service
Con: it’s court-mandated
her: i like a guy that can last long 😉
me, a piece of flavored gum: shit
I already tried new things thanks.
HANNIBAL: thanks for coming over for dinner
HALF-EATEN CANADIAN: thanks for having me
Watermelons are just overweight diabetic cucumbers
My swear jar is now worth more than my stock portfolio.
The 4 Secrets to Succeeding in Business:
– Don’t get mauled to death by a lion
– Don’t get mauled to death by a shark
– Don’t get mauled to death by a bear
– Don’t get mauled to death by a wolf(You can’t succeed in business if you’ve been mauled to death by an animal)
I think between the two of them, Kim & Kanye had enough money for a box of condoms.
8- “Mom, where do babies come from?”
Me- “From backrubs honey.”
What if instead of yelling out “Oh God” during sex you yelled “Okie Dokie!”
Made a weird face in the mirror this morning and I looked like Ted Cruz. This is my suicide note.
RIDDLER: how’d you find my hideout?
BATMAN: a little birdie told me *winks*
SMALL BIRD MAN: *lands on his shoulder* please use my full name
Weatherman discovering his monitor has a touch screen
I will continue putting this peanut butter on the wrong side of each saltine until my demands are met.
roses are red, violets are blue
*arnold schwarzenegger voice*
tell me who is your daddy
and what does he do
My younger daughter has been in her bedroom looking at screens the last three years and I have forgotten her first name.