So, #Dorners ID was found in San Diego a week ago and then unmelted in the burned down cabin? sounds legit.
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My laptop is like my sex life, the data is corrupted.
Me: Who will I share the sunset with now?! *sobs*
Friend: Bad breakup?
Me: No. *wipes tears* My Instagram isn’t working.
I’m teaching 7 it’s ok for a man to cry, & it’s also ok for a man to jump on a table, scream and throw coins at a spider.
Her: hear that?
Me: nope
Her: what if someone’s is trying to get in to murder me?
Me: only person that wants to murder you is already inside
If you’ve ever wondered how many days you can reuse the same lemon wedge in your water pitcher in the refrigerator, the answer is not 11.
[on phone]
ME: Babe what’s the wifi password?
HER: We broke up. I told you last night
ME: We broke up, got it. Any upper case or spaces?
me: [banging head on wall]
wife: honey is something wrong
me: [sobbing] I’M A SHITTY WOODPECKER
have we checked all food to see if exploding them makes them into something better or did we just stop with corn
OUCH I HAVE A FOOT CRAMP
You’re dehydrated
[Walks on toes]
Drink some water
[Crawls on knees]
Drink water
[Lays on floor]
Water-
[Dies]
I thought I liked salads…turns out, I like croutons and ranch dressing.
awkward
[zoo]
GUIDE: i told you not to feed the monkeys
ME: it’s a cigar
When someone says “No Biggie”, I reply with “not since ‘97” and immediately break down crying
I’m not like other girls. I have 1L of butter chicken sauce in my purse
I told my tween to exercise so he sat on the couch and told me he was exercising — his right to freedom. I was mad, mostly that I never thought of that one myself.
It’s amazing how soft hotel towels become after you wash them at home.
Trust me, it’s all filters and angles. I’m actually a saint bernard.
me [after hitting a long shot]: FORE
her: are you serious this is mini golf
me [apologetically]: ᶠᵒʳᵉ
Her: I don’t even know what the cloning machine does
Me: Well that makes two of us..
good morning to everyone but especially to the woman in the dunkin donuts who smashed two glazed donuts together and ate them like a sandwich
Baby Dinosaur: Mama, are we born just to die?
Dinosaur: No, baby. One day we’ll also become toxic fuels for idiot meat robots
I’m so excited to have the kids home from college until that first trip to the grocery store.
every day new twt alternatives pop up and then i look away for an hour and everyone is like btw krungle steals from artists for ai and btw ive already deleted my fringle account for reasons obvious cause youre out of the loop but dont sign up cause that also deletes your quorble
interviewer: it says here u jump to conclusions
me: so I’m hired?
*yawns, while roaring like a dinosaur*
*everyone in the church looks at me*
*waves with T-rex arms*
My younger daughter has been in her bedroom looking at screens the last three years and I have forgotten her first name.
if they ever legalise drugs, Nestle definitely need to make a KitKet
Me: *stuffing a ham into my pillow*
Wife: what are you doing
Me: it’s in case someone tries to stuff a ham into my pillow, they’ll be like “ah damn”
I need someone to pretend they’re coming round, so I will burst into life and actually clean this stupid house.
My ex-girlfriend had weekly lessons with the devil on how to become more evil. I still don’t know how much she charges him though