@LeonEarlgrey: So embarrassing when you compliment a lady on her large belly and it turns out she's just pregnant.
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@OhNoSheTwitnt: Me: Can't wait to sit on my front porch with my black cat and frighten children. Coworker: I love Halloween. Me: I meant after work today.
@trojansauce: [me on my death bed after being trampled at a one direction concert] please tell people it was auto erotic asphyxiation
@velvettusk: My dog is coming home from surgery today and I hope he did ok. He can’t afford another malpractice suit.