@LeonEarlgrey: So embarrassing when you compliment a lady on her large belly and it turns out she's just pregnant.
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@simoncholland: Hope my marriage can make it through another season of disagreement over the pronunciation of pecan.
@Cyd10e: 4 y/o: What's your job? Me: I stay at home, take care of you, clean, cook the food... 4: That sounds boring. Do you want me to fire you?
@YUCKYBOT: "Are you a cop? You have to tell me if you're a cop." "I'm a cop." "So you're a cop AND a gun dealer? Random, but okay let's do this shit"
@sarousti: Definition of Insomnia: Finding a spider in your bedroom & when you leave for a second to get the spray & come back it's gone