So embarrassing when you compliment a lady on her large belly and it turns out she’s just pregnant.
You Might Also Like
I have an innuendo addiction and I’m really pleased when I manage to write a tweet without one. It’s really hard when you just want to slip one in.
1920’s: Women were fighting for equality and the poor were suffering while the rich prospered at their expense.
2020’s: Women are fighting for equality and the poor are suffering while the rich prosper at their expense but we have the Internet now.
I always chalk the pool cue as if it is going to make a difference
I was once told that if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all. Due to this,I’ve been observing a vow of silence since 1997.
Whoever you are, you can’t deny that
Harry Potter & the Fallopian Tubes
sounds like a legitimate title.
Don’t act like you wouldn’t read it.
They’re not gym clothes if you don’t go to the gym, they’re pajamas.
I like microwaves that spin the food around because I’m all, oh yeah, hot pocket, looking good, girl, from the front AND the back uh huh.
[family vacation]
Son: how much farther?
Me: call me dad
Her: What’s this new hair stuff?
Me: Just For Men.
Her: Let me try some.
Me: But Honey, it says Just For M-
Her: Pfffft, what are they gonna do, arrest me?[faint sound of distant sirens growing louder]
I got bills
They’re multiplying
Facebook: Adele is such an inspiration.
Instagram: Adele looking beautiful in her gown.
Twitter: Adele sounds like a chimney sweeper.
My kid comes into our room every night to sleep and he usually brings a comfort toy with him. Tonight he chose to bring a harmonica. I am losing my mind.
Spelling words to your spouse to hide things from your kids is great until you get to M&Ms.
if I am elected governor I will eat your pillow while you sleep and unlike my opponent I will also do it if I am not elected
The sincerest form of flattery is having a robot from the future sent back in time to kill you. Imitation is a distant second.
9: (watching YouTuber play old school Mario)
Me: That’s the game I used to play when I was a kid.
9: You were alive back then?
If you were a burger, I’d throw you in the trash.
Can’t stop laughing.. 😂
Son: Can you teach me about fractions? Me: Sure. I love 2/3 of my children.
NYT: No, we did not make Wordle harder. We promise.
Also NYT: Today’s Wordle is KHYBX — which everyone knows is a popular 11th century Latin delicacy derived from quicksand extract. Duh.
None of these new apps realize all my phone contacts already hate me.
Always the bridesmaid, never the winner of the office costume party because I keep going as a bridesmaid
“thank you all for coming to my crisis” i say as i turn to face everyone in the elevator
Not sure if you’ll like golf? Walk on a treadmill for four hours under a sun lamp then throw away $75 when you’re done.
me: thinking about getting into necrophilia
her: over my dead body
me: that’s the spirit
do u think karl marx was a marxist bc of his last name or was it just a coincidence
So… I JUST FOUND A CAT THAT IS NOT MINE AND IT HAS HAD BABIES UNDER MY BED.
👽Hey aliens, Since you’re in the area can you please come get me? I’ve got Coca-Cola and chicken!
From now on when people come up to me while I’m pregnant and say, ‘looks like you’re getting so close now!’ I’m just going to start saying ‘you too!’
friend: I have cancer
me: (remembering that laughter is the best medicine) lol