So embarrassing when you leave the bathroom and someone points out you have toilet paper stuck to your teeth.
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I like my men like I like my coffee, tall, dark and left on top of my car
[me as a mechanic]
*wiping hands with a greasy rag* Yep, it’s haunted.
Customer: It’s-
Me: Haunted.
Just so you know, I joined Twitter, because it was either this or a street-gang.
My husband is working from home and he’s still late.
I just saw a poster that said “have you seen this man?” With a number to call… So I called the number and told them “No.”
My 2.5 yo pointing to table: Where’s sticker?
Me: the house cleaners must’ve removed it
Pointing to the wall: where’s crayon?
Me: the cleaners must’ve wiped it off
Pointing to toy bin: where’s singing bear?
Me: the cleaners must’ve thrown it out
…we don’t have cleaners
dating after 40 is like riding a bike uphill through a blazing inferno with flat tires.
When someone patiently listens to you for an hour without judgment…
$85
When your best friend listens to you for 10 minutes and tells you you’re being an idiot…
Priceless.
When we go back to in-person office meetings, I’m going to start out by soundlessly moving my lips until people yell at me, just for continuity.
[hears baby crying]
Wife: can you go check on him
Me: there’s no way he’s finished in the bath already
You say “Are you ok?” but I know you really mean “Stop coughing.”
The angel on my shoulder says I should be doing more with my life.
Wait, no, that’s just my mom talking. I forgot I left my phone there.
Coffee so hot I give it my real phone number.
8: [dragging the dog by her front legs]
me: don’t do that! Would you like it if I pulled you by your arms everywhere?
8: I don’t care
me: hm ok
Narrator: oh but he did care. He cared A LOT in fact.
By the time I say “secondly,” I’m scrambling to come up with what’s “thirdly.”
I have a spot on my glasses but nothing to clean the lens with so I’m learning not to see it. So…pretty much how I deal with all my problems.
[zoom interview]
interviewer: what’s your background?
me: mainly sales and marketing but—
interviewer: no, I’m talking about that framed poster of the lady bunny from space jam
Practice self-care like bats, avoid daylight & hug yourself adoringly while you sleep.
[sees a dog about to get run over]
Me [dives toward dog & rolls to safety]: that was close
[sees a cat about to get run over]
Me: car coming
there should be a drug that makes you addicted to cleaning the apartment
Me: have a great eye for detail
Also me: couldn’t tell when they changed doctors on Dr. Who
High School Reunions are bullshit. Why would I pay money to see people I’ve been deliberately avoiding for the past 20 years
911: what is your emergency?
Me: HE READ BUT DIDN’T REPLY
People used to be much smaller. WWII people were a foot shorter. Medieval people were basically hobbits. Jesus was the size of a cat.
Today, after my mom got vaccinated, she insisted on 8 gallons of pistachio ice cream. Who’s the kid now?
The best thing about being an accountant is that everyone assumes you’re not a psychopath.
It’s not a dog if it fits in your handbag.
The first thirteen years on Twitter are the hardest
It’s exciting to receive a Valentine’s Day card and not know who it’s from. A Father’s Day card, not so much.
[Restaurant]
Me *has a sip and nods at date* yes, that’s fine, we’ll have a bottleWaiter: One ketchup coming up