Why learn a second language, when you don’t have anything interesting to say in your first one?
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If you haven’t woken up from a nap covered in stickers, did you even fall asleep while watching cartoons with your preschooler.
Everything goes as planned when nothing’s planned.
If Mitt Romney was president, we’d blame everything on him. “Damn why is it so cold outside? It wasn’t this cold when Obama was president.”
Sometimes words are just not enough
And for such occasions, I have this flamethrower
[One hour past bedtime]
[3 year-old yelling from his bed]: PAPA!
Me: YES?
3: [Points to chair] Sit with me.
Me: I would LOVE to but the monster, that eats kids who don’t sleep, hates that chair being warm.
3:
Me [Finger guns] Goodnight kiddo.
take me down to the paranoid city where the grass is hidden cameras and the girls are all talking about me.
Awakening a volcano by throwing a rock
My 6 year old just got back from visiting our elderly neighbor and said, “I told her we’d bring her some fresh baked cookies when they’re ready.” I informed her that we weren’t baking any cookies today and she said, “Oh, I guess we kinda have to now, don’t we?” Diabolical.
My boss is having a colonoscopy today.
I sure hope they find his head.
me: my phone is always on silent
them: don’t you miss calls?
me: yes 🙂
☺️
“I do law stuff” – attorney general
“I serve as the chief legal adviser to the Crown and the Government”
– attorney specific
ME [first time on-air as a weather man]: don’t go outside unless you want your hair to look like you just shot off the fence at Jurassic Park
All women want is to have a relationship with an intelligent man. The only problem is that intelligent men don’t get into relationships.
I think Australians should have to go 3 rounds in the ring with a kangaroo before they eat him.
Whenever I drink I turn into Jason Bourne. I can’t remember much, fighting comes naturally, and I have a sudden need to evade the law.
American: Your forest fire smoke is disgusting. Keep it up there!
Canadian: Sorry, but have you tried building a wall about it?
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Off duty cop: No
*cop gets so close their mustaches interlock like velcro*
You’re driving great, pal
[first day as car salesman]
Customer: Cargo space?
Me: Car no do that. Car no fly.
Manager: Can I see you in my office?
“Kids today have it so easy.” You know what? I’ll let old people have that.
When they were kids, pediatricians smoked cigarettes during appointments and lead paint was practically a beverage.
Gummy vitamins for dads called Dadgummit.
Shia LaBeouf always manages to come back into our lives at the exact moment we forget how to spell his last name
i wish more people knew the word for woman in scottish, alas.
I even pretend not to be home for a knock-knock joke
My husband said I use a lot of makeup, so I showed him some makeup tutorials on tiktok and I don’t think he’ll be making that mistake again.
Things I’ve Learned From Horror Movies:
•Don’t have sex, you’ll die.
•Don’t leave the group, you’ll die.
•Don’t be black, you’ll die first.
99 out of 100 Planet F1tness employees don’t give a fuck. You could smoke a brisket in the locker room, they’re just gonna ride out their shift. That one percent tho…
My phone changed Careless Whisper into Casserole Whopper and now I’m on the phone with the CEO of Burger King
I tossed my billiard table into the bathtub.
Now I have a swimming pool.