@RobElliottComic: So everyone knows, it's frowned upon to yell "Hot potato" when someone hands you a baby and toss it back to them
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@summerofbenny: "I think this chlorine is healing my anal fissure." - Things not to say in a swimming pool. Apparently.
@_NTFG_: People say love is the best feeling in the world, but I think finding a toilet when you have diarrhea is better.
@SortaBad: Boss: Are you drinking liquor at work? *flashes back to pouring apple juice into a whiskey bottle bc I couldn't find a thermos* "Yes"