So excited! I’m taking an online grammar class. No more typos for me.
Nolege is power biches!
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There’s nothing more realistic in this world than a 26 year old couple on a house hunting tv show with a $1 million budget.
I was jumping on the trampoline with my son and now my neighbour won’t stop mowing his lawn next to the fence
Today I found out my nephew is scared of the vacuum..
Today I also found out I have a very dark cruel evil side to me..
Husband: Did you eat the last of the Girl Scout cookies?
Me: (brushing off crumbs, swallowing hard) There was a break in.
Schrödinger’s Dumpster
how come nobody who hacks celebrities ever does anything funny with it? they just type the n word like that’s comedy gold. You just hacked the CEO of twitter, idiot, you could’ve said something like “I am pleased to announce we are merging with Facebook. More details to follow”
Before the “accident” they were Duran Duran Duran
My friend sent me an invitation to an “Interactive Murder Mystery Dinner” which is great because I’ve always wanted to decline one of those.
him: who is your fantasy?
me: huh?
him: who would you like to be stuck in an elevator with?
me: the elevator repair man.
Me: Sorry, I don’t have any alcohol in the house.
Her: Oh, you don’t drink?
Me: No, I drink. I just drink faster than other people…
Winter sex: “Let’s do this”. *slowly takes off all three pairs of rugby socks, wipes nose, continues to take off more socks*
Sometimes I like to mess with my husband and say things like “Honey, please hand me a waffle knife” and watch him panic.
Six feet under.
– Yoda, explaining why he was turned away from riding the roller coaster
LIFE HACK: Tired of the neighbors’ noisy kids playing in front of your house? Sign up for the sex offender registry
I’m sorry but if shirts are required at the company picnic then the calendar invite should have said that
Bought two shirts at Kohl’s and according to their calculations I saved $2,750.
Make a first date less awkward by licking all their food and then handing it back. See? Now you’ve already shared germs. Anything else should be easy peasy.
[Cop questioning suspected watermelon thief]
COP: *squints* Was it you?
GIRAFFE (who has watermelon-sized bulge halfway down his neck): Nope
*first day as getaway driver
“I’m gonna make a Starbucks run while you’re in the bank. Who wants what?”
Me: Hello, is it me you’re looking for?
Her: no
Me: *dials another number* Hello, is it me you’re looking for?
According to the 25th Amendment, if the President is incapacitated, the Vice President becomes the executive producer of “The Apprentice.”
ppl come over to ur house and are like “can i get myself a glass of water” and ur like “sure” and u look over and they’ve chosen literally the most random glass you’ve ever seen
[job interview]
Me: Time travel
Boss: What is your biggest stren—WHAT?!
discovered i giggle in my sleep after downloading a sleep app and assume i will soon become a serial killer
Future historians will be asked which quarter of 2020 they specialize in.
*swipes right by accident*
Him: You’re not really my type.
Me: Ignores all red flags from now on.
Fried potatoes
Mashed potatoes
Baked potatoes
Twice baked potatoes
Potato chips-if Bubba grew up on a potato farm instead of a shrimp boat
When she stops crying and gets really quiet, keep your guard up. You’re experiencing what scientists refer to as “the eye of the shitstorm.”
People this one of the best days ever (next to the time with the guy in a van) @funTweeters is now following me- suck it Dane Cook
I’m shoplifting items from Dollar Tree and returning them to Five Below for a profit