So, Facebook is celebrating its 10th birthday. What do you buy for the social media app that makes you hate everyone?
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*being dragged from the car wash*
But I only shaved one leg!
Glad I spent 40 minutes getting my 1 year old dressed so she could go outside for 3 seconds.
im an adult! i make my own bedtimes! i’ll stay up all night and function at a fraction of my capacity! like a giant grown-up lethargic baby!
puting flowers in my hair to accentuate my dirt like quality
[repeating myself louder in the haunted house attraction] did the dracula throw water on anyone else’s pants??
someone on this conference call just said “the ball’s in our court so we’ll touch base internally and then follow up to get on the same page” and for a moment i seriously thought i was listening to a parody of a meeting
Me: Damn i really need to do my essay
Also me:
I have been vegan for 11 years, but I was pinched by a crab today, and I feel it is only fair that I be allowed to eat one (1) of them as retribution.
I’m the friend that shows up with a shovel and alibi.
If there was vomit on my sweater already from mom’s spaghetti I think I would just stay home. No rap battles for me tonight please, I am unwell
Imagine Dragons.
No. Dragoner.
I need a note so I can get out of having sex with my husband.
Gynecologist: …
Every animal: how will we see things that are behind us?
God: just turn around
Almost every animal: ok
Owl: I absolutely will not
Imagine dating, falling in love, getting married, having kids, and only then realizing that the person you chose is literally incapable of whispering
Tell them you’re stupid and they’ll say you’re smart, just to prove you wrong. That’s how stupid works.
*doesnt stand for national anthem as protest against people who don’t stand for national anthem*
No one claims to like clowns, and yet there are clowns. What an evolutionary adaptive species they must be, clowns.
“Do you want to be the numerator or the denominator tonight…? You’re so radical!” How I hit on my imaginary mathematician girlfriend
I don’t understand how people in the Walking Dead are living in the zombie apocalypse and they still look more well rested than I do
People who block me are well within their right to be wrong about me
Hot neighbor (limping): I slipped and fell on my bedroom floor this morning
Me: Haha, I saw that
Her: What?
Me: What?
Your Twitter Dom probably sits at the kids’ table during Thanksgiving
@JosesLovesYou @funTweeters The slang in Japanese for periods IS Hinomaru (That’s the name of the Japanese flag) 🙂
Saw a grown man riding down the street on a BMX.
I yelled what does BMX stand for?
He replied “DUI”.
Before going to the dentist I like to eat taffy & pumpkin seeds. It’s makes me feel like I’m getting my money’s worth.
“Mom, I’m an adult. There’s nothing left for you to show me.”
(*folds a fitted sheet*)
“TEACH ME YOUR SORCERY, LINEN WIZARD”
Mark Zuckerberg has the right to your firstborn male child. You agreed to this when you played FarmVille in 2009.
Guys, If you mistakenly ask a woman at work if she’s pregnant and she’s not, save face and ask if she wants to be pregnant
“Parkour!”- What I yell after jumping up onto a chair to get away from a scary little mouse.
Her: I like dogs
Me: *dies in 10-13 years*