My spirit animal is a cockroach because I refuse to give up and die.
Also I’m sorta crunchy.
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If you’re ever pulled over by the police just tell them you pay their salary.
Seriously.
Who gets “regular strength” ANYTHING?!
“Yeah, go ahead & gimme your middle-of-the-road shit. I’d like this headache to LINGER.”
If you’re ever bored in a taxi I recommend mouthing, “Help Me” to strangers and watching their facial expressions
[After my wife ate my bag of M&Ms I was saving for later]
Wife: You’re being so over-dramaticMe *texting her back from motel room* am I
You won’t find his name in the history books, but my dad piloted many of NASA’s early experimental cafeteria test salad programs—a number of which introduced some pretty radical salad-propulsion designs for the time.
Chess is my favourite game but I don’t play favourites
DAD: Hugh, please. It’s a perfectly fine name. Stop complaining.
HUGH J’DISAPPOINTMENT: It’s not my first name I’m upset about.
Forgive me, for I have sinned.
Same time tomorrow?
Funny Quote of the Day: “If your parents never had children, chances are… neither will you.” – Dick Cavett
[Super Villain Team Tryouts]
COACH: Tell me what you can do
MAGNETO: I can manipulate metal
LOKI: I’m a god
THE PENGUIN (shoving his way to the front): I LIKE PENGUINS!
What if the 5th dentist was from the future and knew about the long-term tooth damage caused by Trident?
I assume people who don’t hate people also don’t drive.
Gonna start messing with people in public bathrooms and say “oh I recognize those shoes!”
How many dates should you wait before you tell a girl that you’re just a barn owl
If he doesn’t like fruit puns, let that mango.
280 characters, baby, and you know what that means:
OXFORD COMMAS.
OXFORD COMMAS AS FAR AS THE EYE CAN SEE!
Jeez, try to cash in the “one free back rub” coupon your high school girlfriend gave you on your 15th birthday and her husband gets all apoplectic.
There was no expiration date, Carl.
Me: I’m single – I can eat beans whenever I like
Also me: why am I still single
Sex is like riding a bike…..no matter how confident you are, you’re not allowed to do it naked in the park.
I want to live in a world where the plural of moose is mooses.
What I say and what I mean are three different things.
Seriously, soup?
If I wanted to drink my lunch I would go to a bar.
Turns out when society collapses, every single person has the exact same instinct and it is to bake bread
I’m married, but not “pass up the opportunity to sleep with Thor” married. Or Wolverine. Or Captain America. Or Jennifer Aniston…
you’re born holding the world record for “newest baby” but the very first thing you do is lose that record to a newer baby. welcome to life.
The lead singer of Chumbawamba died earlier today. During his autopsy his body got knocked down…and that’s when things got interesting.
Delivering eulogy at o’possum’s funeral: Before I start I’d like to give Jeff a few more minutes to come around.
friend: look how big my new plant is getting!
me: oh wow, if you think that’s big you should see some of the ones outside has
me: lol THAT’S your sword?
enemy: this blade can cut through steel
me: [confidently] I’m not even made out of steel you idiot
Somewhere in my brain is a tiny gland that blinds me to unwashed dishes.