Stop telling me not to feed ducks bread because it kills them.
Literally all my favorite foods will kill me. Let ducks enjoy themselves.
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I just found a gray hair and I’m shocked this past year only gave me the one
Someone asked me if I’d found my soulmate and I was like lol I cant even find my debit card.
Me: I just murdered Frank Sinatra
Cop: What?? He’s been dead for years
Me: I was at the karaoke bar
Cop: Oh I see lol
Me *puzzled* who the hell did I kill?
God: you’re a Squid.
Squid: actually I’m a Kraken.
God: what’s a Kraken?
Squid: nothing what’s a Kraken with you? lol.
God: wa-was that an ocean pun?
Squid: maybe, did you like it : )
God:
Squid:
God: you krilled it : )
Cat that has never been so insulted in all nine of its lives of the day.
*guy acts like he’s gonna punch me*
GUY: HA! You flinched
ME: yes because I thought you were going to punch me. If you actually punched me I would have been more protected. You see, evolutionarily speaking, the flinchers would have outlived those wh-
GUY: *actually punches me*
Any grown man whose mustache is a different color than his head hair is automatically qualified to be the conductor of a magical train.
Scooby and the Gang *continually shocked when a regular dude turns out to be a monster*
Me: same
If you invite me, you invite my xylophone too.
I missed two of my mom’s calls, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
What my girlfriend thought, first 4 dates:
1. Nice shirt.
2. Wow. A second nice shirt.
3. Okay, first shirt again.
4. He has two shirts.
I just saw the movie “A star is born” and if you think it’s about the solar system you will probably be as mad as I am rn
Why are they called “nuns” when chickmonks was sitting right there?
Me- We are here for some new pants for you. Please go and find a pair that you like and will wear
11- Ok
Me- *Waiting*
11- *Searches entire clothing section, returns and hands me a hat
respect
I found a YouTube video demonstrating a 5 minute speed clean. It was 25 minutes long.
One time I broke up with a girl so she took my silverware divider and that’s the kind of pettiness I look for in a mate.
I just deleted the same tweet twice for two different typos and now I can’t tweet it again because it’s already been stolen
Me: What are you doing sweet girl
4yo: Making my dolls eat brains.Help.
People who knock on my front door really need to give up these unrealistic expectations that I’m going to answer
Me: the vacuum broke
Husband: that sucks
Me: no it doesn’t
Autoimmune disease means you’re invincible to dying in a car accident.
It’s not about the sacrifices you have to make, it’s about making sure your knife is sharp and they can’t wiggle away.
Cat: I am a MAJESTIC POWERFUL creature of the night
Me: I will call you Mr Fuzzypants
“Why KFC calling you at 1:36am?
If I was a piece of candy, I’d be Double Bubble gum. Too hard and sharp at first, a fleeting moment of wonderful sweetness and then a long period of tasteless inconvenience.
My nephew Lyle just explained to me the “F” in “F Bomb” stands for “friendship.”
F Bombs for everyone! 😃
Jingling your keys in front of a crying baby is a great way to distract them while you steal their wallet
me: *summoning the hot dog demon by nailing a shitload of hot dogs to the wall in the shape of a pentagram*
hot dog demon: not you again