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I don’t buy tupperware containers, I steal them from my parent’s house like an adult
His icy glare melts my creamy core. He’s so cold, beads of water drip down his exterior. My walls ache to be drowned by him.
-Oreo to milk
I’m not surviving a horror movie…first of all, I’m not running anywhere
Taco Bell is the only place you can still get gas for $1.29
My toddler is legit angry at me because I wouldn’t let her jump out a second story window today. This is why you need birth control ladies.
We have to ban straws to keep them out of the ocean, because a shark with a mouthful of straws can drain a human of blood in seconds.
[on road trip]
Me: I AM NOT turning this car around
Son: *cries*
Me: Nope. No way.[45 min later]
Me: *walks out of house holding Mr. Teddy Bear*
Praying for people who setup a 5PM work meeting on a Friday to be blessed with the most obnoxious kids
“Call your mother and tell her what you REALLY think!
~Vodka
This pepper spray feels like no really meant no
Flat-Earthers play basketball with a frisbee.
💻🤡
Is Craigslist still around, or did everyone over there get murdered?
The best part of Robocop is when they spent billions of dollars making a cyborg super soldier instead of helping Detroit not be awful.
With my husband’s inability to find anything, I’m really surprised we have children.
[pearly gates]
Pete:
Me:
Pete:
Me: was it my browser history?
Pete: wAs It mY bRoWsEr HiStOrY
I’m not a piece of shit. I’m the whole shit.
Being hungry again a half hour after eating Chinese food isn’t about the food being Chinese, it’s about you being American.
The Batcave was 14 miles outside of Gotham City. Close enough for Batman to fight crime, far enough away for Bruce Wayne to avoid ridiculous tax rates.
It’s like nobody at this Bed Bath and Beyond appreciates me taking intimate selfies on every bed so I can decide which comforter brings out my natural beauty.
Ya know how some of our grandparents are weird about not throwing food away because they grew up poor? I wonder if like 40 years from now our grandchildren are going to be like “why does Nana have 70 rolls of toilet paper at all times? She’s so weird.”
My mind is always on fast forward while my body’s in slow motion. I’m just like that channel where the sound is out-of-sync w/ the picture.
When someone reads your message, then never responds, it’s just hurtful.
I mean, what else could they possibly have going on at 3 AM?
*First Date*
Me: *Flirting* You have to promise not to fall in love with me.
Him: There’s cheese in your hair. And we haven’t eaten yet.
People will stop talking to you if you repeat what they said in air quotes.
OH. COME. ON.
It hurts? That’s the body’s way of showing you it’s healing.
It doesn’t hurt? That’s the body’s way of showing you it’s healing.
– Doctors
There’s a whole baby vegetable industry that makes me wonder if we might be monsters.
Cucumbers hate becoming pickles. For them, it’s a jarring experience.