@Swishergirl24: So far my favorite part about being pregnant is telling people I'm not pregnant when they ask when I'm due.
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@thegreatnanak: Me: I gotta find a purpose in life. Later: Blowing a feather trying to keep it in air
@Smooheed: 'Sorry officer but how was I to know that weird noise my car was making was a bicycle stuck in my mudflap?'
@tastefactory: [the year 2057] iPhone 49: *reaches for some of my fries* Me: No. if you wanted fries you should have ordered some
@LauraBenanti: I JUST SAW A MAN KICK A RAT WHAT IS HAPPENING WHAT DID THAT RAT EVER DO TO YOU SIR FOR ALL YOU KNOW HE COULD BE AN AMAZING CHEF IN PARIS