You hit a couple of curbs, take out a trash can and all of a sudden it’s “you can’t drive”.
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Damn, Starbucks. Not only do you spell my name completely wrong AND screw up my order, but on my way out some woman keeps calling me a thief
Jumped off the couch so fast when the microwave dinged that I’m now eligible for the draft.
eating cereal in the shower isn’t saving me as much time as i thought.
*speed dating*
I’m a competitive eater!
Date: Are you any good?
[grabbing my suitcase, dumping 45 hotdogs on table] funny you should ask
Outing my girlfriend as a Protestant at Christmas dinner so my Granny forgets that we’re both women
4: When can I wear 13 shirts?
Me: When you live in NYC and get in an argument with your roommate and decide to put on all of his clothes
As I was going through my wallet for a second I thought I got robbed… And then I remembered I got gas.
My dog just swallowed a bag of Scrabble tiles, so I took him to the vet.
No word yet.
the boy who cried wolf would be a way cooler story if actual wolves came out of his eyes
I’m the kind of girl who won’t stop until you’re screaming your safeword.
Related: Your safeword’s the first 16 digits of your credit card.
Americans should be asking Santa for better presidential candidates and nothing else.
[mastercard commercial]
“there are some things that money can’t buy”politician: i don’t get it
OMG! Imagine being in a room with all of your exes!
*imagines room of people playing ps4 and ignoring me*
Therapist: Would you date yourself?
Me: No, I deserve better…
I used to be scared upon waking in the middle of the night, but after raising two babies and seeing all hours of the clock, I’ve learned that the only thing that is truly frightening is hearing the word “Mom” whisper-screamed into my ear.
“You know who James Earl Jones looks like? William Shatner. Or Katy Perry.”
– My kid, who has apparently seen none of these people
Who did it better?
Do you think animals have famous animals in their social groups, or do you think they worship celebrities? But a group of cows worshiping a super sexy cow – does that happen?
As a dad to two toddlers the majority of my diet is various berries I find on the ground. I’m basically a deer.
You can never really *own* earbuds. You just have to appreciate the time you had together
what if “chicken patty” is just short for “chicken patricia”
Because I never explained otherwise, my son spent a good stretch of time in his childhood thinking that a vice principal at a school was there in case the principal was assassinated.
I can only assume that when realtors list a “modest home,” that means it is a house that has never once worn leggings or yoga pants
I’m over at my parents’ place eating dinner and my stepmom comes in and tells my dad, “Your furry daughter is eating” and for a second I thought I was being called out and accused before I realized she was talking about the squirrels my dad likes to observe outside
haha sucks for women that they have to sit down to poop
– Adele’s baby starts to cry
– Adele sings the baby a lullaby
– baby cries more, but now for different reasons
A duv-egg? In this economy?
[Star Wars Episode VII scene]
Princess Leia: I love you Han.
Han Solo: *favs but doesn’t reply*
Pronounces ‘daughter’ like ‘laughter’
doctors don’t really need to hit you with that rubber hammer it’s just how they release a lil tension through the day