why are you, as a wallet company, giving away a $500 gift card? what am i gonna do? buy $500 worth of wallets?
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Smartphone owners are the bravest. They’re not afraid of anything not even death.
They can walk into any running truck without giving a damn
“Erectile Dysfunction” is such a harsh term. Why not just call it “Sleepy Peepee?”
“Any drugs or alcohol, sir?”
“No thanks. Getting those things from a cop seems awfully setup-ish.”
I bet kids who live in volcanoes pretend the floor is carpet
My son has been awake for 3 hours and he’s been talking for 4 of them.
I wonder how many hobbies you have to suck at before you take up bird watching.
ANCHOR: Now over to Mike for the weather.
ME: IT’S REALLY WEATHERY RIGHT NOW, CARL, WITH MORE WEATHER TO COME! THAT’S IT FOR THE WEATHER!
During my annual gynecologist visit:
Gyno: I’m going to stick this in. You might feel a little pressure.
Me: *giggling* That’s what he said.
Gyno:
Nurse:
Me: Oh shit! Did I say that out loud?
“Spring is in the air” I proclaim as I hurl a Slinky at your head.
My refrigerator died. In lieu of flowers, a new fridge would be nice.
(first week into weight watchers)
You think I can get an advance on next week’s calories?
*first day using my sith power*
“Hey stormtrooper, stop hitting yourself!”
Son: *repeatedly yelling Dad*
Me: Dad’s in the garage.
Son: *repeatedly yelling Dad but louder now*
[teaching babies to swim]
Me: ok, some of you are not gonna make it
My kid is practicing his ninja moves, but he’s doing them right on the front lawn where everyone can see, so he might need more training
When life gives you lemons, give the lemons back. Why were the lemons free? Is something wrong with the lemons? Are the lemons haunted? Be suspicious of the lemons.
Him: whatcha thinkin bout?
Me [already half way out the window]: our future.
Man: “If I did not know about God and sin, would I go to hell?” Priest: “No, not if you did not know.” Man: “Then why did you tell me?”
“Hot damn!” – the Nazi’s probably after their dams were destroyed.
I don’t know; I’m not a historian. It’s just an educated guess.
“Mommy! That sign says 35mph and you are going 42.”
“Thank you honey, this is a great learning opportunity for me
TO TEACH YOU NOT TO BE A NARC!”
… and on the eighth day, Satan created teenagers.
Octopus – 8 arms
“Yes”
Octagon – 8 sides
“Yes”
Octuplets – 8 babies
“Yes”
October – 8th month
“No”
I’m burning this world down
Always a bridesmaid, never a new world-order leader in a post-apocalyptic all-powerful matriarchy. Sigh.
People like to say they love coffee but dump 1 gallon of sugar into it. You don’t love coffee you love candy.
I went to the gym and ended up watching tennis for an hour.
I blame ESPN for my eventual demise.
Twitter: “Where people are openly Gay and secretly Republican”
Ways to look busy:
1. Turn up later than everyone else but rush into the office looking annoyed
2. Act like spending half an hour in the toilet has annoyed you
3. Rush around with an open laptop looking annoyed
4. Get annoyed at a printer
5. Just generally look annoyed
Server: Would you like another glass of wine?
Me: I’m sorry, I don’t have time
Server: For the wine?
Me: No, for silly questions
CASHIER: what, no tip?
ME: here’s a tip: always wear a seat belt
CASHIER: no, i meant money
ME: oh sorry. invest in a 401(k)
If I show you a picture on my phone and you start scrolling, I’m gonna stab you.