seashell: [holding me to its ear]
me: [making city noises]
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I’d survive scream bc i don’t answer the phone ever
Meet Couples Who Stay Together Because They Need Help Holding an Invisible Sandwich
imagine being a tree. just imagine it. imagine the good times (wind gently blowing your leaves); imagine the tough times (wind roughly blowing your leaves). imagine the ok, so-so times (there’s no wind)
There’s no “u” in employee. You’re fired.
Just right now my only wish is for everyone to go to bed so I can eat my secret second dinner.
I think when you get your photo taken for your driver’s license they should squirt you in the face with a water gun. Then your picture will have that annoyed and upset look to match when the cop pulls you over
My current wife doesn’t like my use of adjectives
hello secretary? i need you to go to that website where you can combine pokemon and combine mew and squirtle, print it out and bring it here
RIDDLER: how’d you find my hideout?
BATMAN: a little birdie told me *winks*
SMALL BIRD MAN: *lands on his shoulder* please use my full name
My daughter asked me to play Highway to Hell by AC/DC because I was driving them to school. Parenting win I guess.
Since finding a huge spider in my slipper I now keep em on a chair cuz my little brain decided spiders don’t like chairs.
Pretty metal of Betty White to trend every time someone else dies.
“Now?”
“Not yet.”
“Now?”
“Not quite.”
*Car approaches*
“Now?”
“Now.”
-Deer crossing the road
Pants? You mean Leg Prisons?
MY NECK, MY BACK, A STRANGER TOOK MY CAT
No thanks Facebook Live, if I wanted to see people doing stupid things in real time I’d just go visit my family.
[•[•[•[•[•[•[•_•]•]•]•]•]•]•] Lego guy gang comin right at u
I own a Delorean but I only drive it from time to time.
me: can I buy you a drink?
girl: sorry [holds up martini] already got one
me: [spits in it] How about now?
“yeah that IS strange they only filled the fries and shakes halfway” I say about the food I brought home for my kids.
Be careful who you piss off around here because some people use caps lock
It’s an scientific fact that the smoke detector battery will only die at 0230
me: wanna hang out?
southern girl: well, dip me in honey butter, roll me around in mississippi sand and saddle a junebug to savannah
me:
i know it’s been said a billion times but literally everything about Brendan Fraser is fantastic
The fact that we don’t use towels to dry towels makes me question the value of towels.
[Lingerie store]
ME: I’d like to buy some underwear for my wife.
ASSISTANT: Satin?
ME: No, I’d prefer new ones.
Does anybody know the long term exit strategy for the clapping thing?
[god inventing humans]
angel: what does it do
god: creates, loves, invents…
angel: awesome
god: storms area 51 in the style of an anime character
angel: wtf
god: it also makes quiche
I believe this with my whole heart 💀🪦
Teacher: what do you call an alligator in a vest
Nobody:
Me: An investigator