New exercise regimen: I can only sit down when my toddler does. So far I’ve lost 17,000 pounds.
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They say 1 out of every 5 humans is Chinese.
Out of me and my 4 siblings, I’m pretty sure it’s either Carl or Liu Yang.
Me *starts peeling potatoes*
My kid: are the fries ready yet?
(Buying sheet cake, donuts, brownies, ice cream, Guinness, and whiskey)
Cashier: Oooh what’s the special occasion?
Me: I read the news…
*cashier stares at obviously fake ID*
you sure you’re 3?
*dog panics and runs out of the store barking*
My husband annoyed me last night so I adjusted the toaster settings slightly this morning.
Making crop circles IS a full time job, Troy. No one gets funding to study aliens if there are no aliens to study. Duh.
He wants my carcasses apparently.
I think autocorrect won that round.
I’m posting this because I’m honestly at a loss. I’ve been in this situationship for as long as I can remember & I need advice. There’s this guy & he’s honestly SO nice & he gets me whatever I want but he only visits once a year & only when I’m sleeping & then he just disappears.
I’m just curious if anyone has been through anything like this? Any advice? I don’t even have his number I just write him letters.
I don’t whisper sweet nothings.
I yodel them.
*brings knife to gunfight*
*knife used to cut pizza*
*pizza served & differences resolved*
*last slice up for grabs & gunfight ensues*
[on a first date]
Ok, don’t let her know you’re really a squirrel…
Her: I had a great time, good night!
Me: *runs in front of her car
Liam Neeson: What I do have are a very particular set of skills.
Me if I were the kidnapper: *is.
I’ve got a bag full of stick figure stickers, and when I see an SUV I add random dudes to their families.
*RSVP’ing to Christmas party*
Whispering into phone: is it ok if I bring my weird roommate?
Husband, from behind me: STOP CALLING ME THAT
I have to pick my dad up from work tonight, how the turntables. I wonder what embarrassing things I can do when I pull up to his place of business
ChatGPT’s primary use is to generate plausible excuses to leave dinner at the in-laws’.
If you see me in Atlanta this weekend, at a Taylor Swift concert, that’s not me.
I’m beginning to think some of you are not your Avi’s, which makes me sad. I thought I had a unicorn and dinosaur friend.
bruce banner: [getting angry]
black widow: here eat this [hands a mint]
bruce banner: what is this?
black widow: anger manageMINT.
hulk: [sighs heavily]
I had the audacity to tell my kid to get their own snack and now I’m standing in the corner thinking about my actions.
A pile of inside out bathing suits can be found by the rotisserie chickens because I couldn’t find a dressing room at Costco.
Conversations with my pets:
Me: Please could you
Dog: OF COURSE!
Me: I haven’t said what it
Dog: I LOVE YOU!Me: Please could you
Cat: No.
Bean bag chairs are venus fly traps for anyone over 35.
My Mexican friend is lactose intolerant. No whey Jose.
• You’re born.
• You grow up.
• You believe in Santa.
• You stop believing in Santa.
• You look like Santa.
• You are Santa.
• You die.
[If my dog could talk]
DUDE, IT’S BEEN 9 YEARS. I GET IT. I’M A GOOD BOY
“How am I driving?”
No seriously, how did I get here. This isn’t my car.
Get your relatives speaking to one another again by sending a heartfelt Christmas card with a picture of your family with an extra child nobody knows.
Wise advice
pizza