So few educational toys today! As a kid, my Tonka dump truck taught me not to pinch the shit out of my finger between two metal parts.
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I don’t understand why salads are seen as “dainty” food. I look more like a wild animal eating salad than literally anything else.
Facebook now tags fake news stories from sites like The Onion with #satire to protect users who lack 1st grade critical thinking skills.
A man approaches me. “You caught my eye,” he says.
I look in my hand. “Christ, is THAT what this thing is?!”
I never understand why people think saying “you look tired” is an acceptable thing to say to someone. Maybe I’m just ugly, ok
If you don’t agree with someone’s religious beliefs, just dance really hard in front of them like they did in Footloose and they’ll absolutely change their minds
Amy Winehouse’s final album was “recorded before her death.” Thanks for the clarification.
when someone replies to a locked account it’s like watching Han talk to Chewie
Mark my words, but use something erasable cause I change my mind a lot.
Trump is blaming Sanders supporters for the violence at his rally because you can’t truly be Hitler until you blame a Jew for your problems.
Why do they call it a “shit-eating grin”? I don’t think I’d be smiling if I was eating shit.
*Googles: How to fake your own death and erase existence before 9am monday morning.
[Wildebeest being lowered Mission Impossible-style from a helicopter to graze the grasses of Buckingham Palace]
Me: I named you kids after my favorite Pearl Jam songs
Jeremy: That’s really cool dad
Elderly Woman Behind the Counter in a Small Town: It’s not, actually
my grandma has a secret tuna casserole recipe that involves a 911 call
Just by looking into someone’s eyes, you can tell if they have eyes
Dear Parker, I’m typing this because the fountain pen you sold me does not, I repeat DOES NOT, work in fountains.
Please advise me of your returns policy forthwith.
Me: And this is my house
Friend: What’s upstairs?
Me: Stairs don’t talk.
Told the kids it’s gonna cost them $8/month to keep using my last name.
I was applying for homeowners insurance today and they asked if I had any pets to which I said, “yes, two cats.” And then they asked me “have they been trained to attack or cause bodily harm?” and I wanted to know if anyone had been able to do this because I’ll hire you
Cold.
Warm.
Warm.
Warmer.
Hot.
Burning.
Cold.
Hot!Eating microwaved leftovers.
*breaks all my teeth eating a Nature Valley granola bar* well at least it’s super dry and doesn’t taste very good
I want to be the person in every McDonald’s whose job is to sit on the sandwiches just before they go into the bag.
accidentally left my turn signal on for a couple minutes so now i’m going back and turning at all the places i indicated i would
Do you think if I slip this Dr. an extra $100, I’ll get the “good” prostate exam?
Artist: I love painting you. Times are tough.
Model: Are you a starving artist?
Artist: Kinda. *continues brushing butter on model*
On the Hot Wheels isle helping a friend pick out a sweet Corvette that she promised her 18yo for graduation. Life’s all about the wording.
my one true gender
I bought a high-tech mop and I’m very excited about it. Not so excited that I’m going to throw up, but it wouldn’t be a problem if I did.
FRIEND: can you hold my keys?
ME: no [pulling another fanny pack out of my fanny pack] but you can
Me: Alexa, tell me a joke!
Alexa: You’re definitely going to finish that home improvement project this weekend.