So funny how “go to sleep” and “do parkour” sound exactly the same to kids.
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If Barb wears leopard print to another funeral, I’m buying a dart gun.
You know that runny food on your plate that touches all the other food? That’s you, butting into a conversation.
You’re creamed corn.
Doesn’t get paid: has popcorn and vodka martinis for dinner.
Gets paid: has popcorn and raspberry vodka martinis for dinner.
I’m not lazy, I’m an inactivist.
Usually takes me two or three tries to correctly aim the remote at the TV, if anyone was thinking of challenging me to a duel.
I’m just a girl, with a baseball bat, smashing my internet modem into a gazillion pieces.
I successfully avoided the red-eye flight and got the much milder pink eye flight.
Putting my cat at the top of my Christmas tree this year because 1) she’s already an angel and 2) she’s going to climb up there anyway
Him: I like you.
Me: I’ll soon put a stop to that.
me: *installs app that vibrates phone whenever I’m owned online*
wife: do you hear bees
“Your barbeque sauce is on my beagle!” “Your beagle is in my barbeque sauce!” *We both grin and put on bibs*
My insurance company said if my tent is stolen while I’m camping, I won’t be covered.
“Ah yes, well, the laws of quantum mechanics” is what I’m going to start saying, very pretentiously, when someone says something I don’t understand.
Your perfume/cologne should reward someone for getting close, not punish them for being in the same building.
Him: I’m thinking about shaving my beard
Her: Okay
Him: You don’t mind?
Her: Nope
Him: Great
Her: I’m thinking about getting a divorce
Him: You’ve made your point
A telemarketer called and said,”can I speak with the man of the house.” I replied, “sure” and gave the phone to the cat.
*wife offers me a sip of her water*
m: Am I gonna catch what you have?
w: No
m:
w:
m: Are you sur-
w: You’re not going to get my period!
That moment when the woman ur dancing behind bends over so u can grind &u realize she lost an earring & nobody in starbucks can hear ur iPod
Fries, not lies.
i worry GPS sometimes gives me a slower route so it can clear the good roads for drivers it likes better
St Peter: sorry you didn’t get into heaven. your dog can come in though obviously
Me: [nudging my dog] remember all those times I got you into steakhouses
My dog: she’s my support person
yoooo let ur cat know i said pspspsps
I kinda feel like everyone shakes their head a little too much when they see me coming
I go to seductively boop your nose but my finger pierces straight through the back of your skull.
“Sorry, I’ve been working out.” I say.
I demand Lisa from high school face me in a public debate about why she made out with Craig when it was MY BIRTHDAY PARTY
[ walking down the soap and detergent isle at the store ]
14: it smells like chores in here
“Someone offered me grapes, but I declined . I’m not used to consuming wine in pill form.” — University of Chicago
I love when I open my dryer door and money falls out instead of my cat.
When someone accuses you of being defensive, you can’t deny it without sounding defensive. Just hurl a flower pot. No one expects that.
[forgetting the phrase “your honor”] not guilty, hammer daddy