You mean you can actually put the cork back in a wine bottle?
Hahahaa WHY!!??
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The Count of Monte Cristo remains popular because it speaks to that universal human desire to flex on everyone you went to school with
Singin’ in the Rain is a beloved Oscar-winning classic, but singin’ on the train will get you harsh stares and a six seater all to yourself.
One of my favourite summer activities is to pretend I don’t know what a motorcycle is. It seems to sting worse because I’m a heavily tattooed blonde woman. I like to keep saying ‘it sounds like you’re describing a bicycle?’
How people watch movies when they’re:
DATING *hold hands*
ENGAGED *cuddle*
MARRIED *one person turns the volume up while I choke on a piece of popcorn*
I struggle against the ropes binding me, catching the scent of gas. “You’ll die too,” I say.
“9 lives,” my cat whispers, lighting a match.
“It’s too late. You can’t stop it now.”
– Every villain in every single movie moments before the hero stops them now
My kid got all dramatic and started a story with “in the deep dark woods there lived…a chicken” and now I need him to come home from the park and tell me the rest
I can’t find that mandolin show anywhere in the TV guide.
Life hack: McDonald’s will deliver if you tell them that you are holding Ronald hostage for a ransom of [your desired food order]
If your boss asks you to organize a corporate team building event he does not mean organize a happy hour.
I know this now.
So we’re agreed: if that balloon flies over any of us, we moon it like it’s 1978
WORK TIP: Respond to all your boss’s emails with “Heyyyy you!”
4-year-old: Why does mom always yell at you?
Me: Marriage is complicated.
4: Is it because you’re stupid?
You can only be young once, but you can be immature forever.
*jingles half the way*
Air Canada says 20,000 mobile app users have been affected by a data breach. On the upside, the hackers might know where your lost luggage is.
Your call is important to us, we’ll interrupt calming music every 30secs for the next 20mins to remind you that your call is important to us
You do you.
I’m gonna do me.
*married sex
[Looking at ultrasound monitor with my wife]
Wife: Look at it’s little heart beating! Isn’t it amazing…
Me: It looks like a crossiant
I should probably try harder to find a mail-order-bride before the post office shuts down completely.
When you encounter others on a trail, offer a friendly “hello” or a nod. This helps create a friendly atmosphere. If you approach a trail user from behind, announce yourself in a friendly, calm tone. Yelling “that chipmunk stole my car keys, run for your lives” is not helpful.
longing is fun but i prefer “shorting,” where i want something for like a day and then realize never mind
For an extra ten grand I’ll make it look like an accident and for an extra 20 I’ll make it look like a HILARIOUS accident
This needs to be over soon because my husband is starting to realize I’m not out of his league.
*tides knock down my sand castle*
Me: [looks up at moon] now it’s personal [loads pistol]
(Vegan zombie)
“Mmmm ….. grains”
I accidentally wore a beetle inside. Neither party was happy about this.
What if balloons take over and start twisting us into animal shapes?
My wife said we would save money on Halloween candy if we bought it at Aldi so I guess we’re handing out Twicks, Skattles, and 4 Musketeers.
Personal trainer: How’s your diet been going?
Me: Absolutely amazing
Personal trainer: May I ask what you’ve been eating?
Me: You may not