So glad I don’t subtweet like SOME PEOPLE.
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Oh, you think it’s “awkward” going to a wedding by yourself? Try going when you’ve dated both the bride & groom.
When you’re craving a Krabby Patty so bad!!! But the Krusty Krab is closed….and also fictional.
[gets cut off in traffic]
my friend, you’ve made a very powerless & easily distracted enemy
Ugh why is my bag so heavy? *goes through bag* ok keys, wallet, book, sandwich, water, anvil, other sandwich, human baby, no I need all this
Opening up a food truck that sells six different styles of hot dogs and one hamburger and naming it “they can’t all be wieners”
I hired an insecurity guard. He said
“I hope you feel safe rn cuz I don’t know if I’m right for the job.”
If you have twin girls and don’t dress them like in “The Shining” and make them stand in hallways, you’ve squandered a precious gift.
Oh… Oh dear… it looks like my grandmother’s embroidered pillow may have stolen your tweet.
He said it’s canoodle night later, and I thought great, I love lasagna.
My Dad used to sing the “1 Potato, 2 Potato, 3 Potato, 4” song with me, then at dinner I’d cry and throw a tantrum because I thought the song meant we were having mashed potatoes that night. Finally Dad said if I couldn’t behave, maybe I shouldn’t come home on college breaks.
[2025]
Me: *tapping out Morse code on wall shared with neighbor* Man, I miss 2020.
Which cellphone carrier drops the most calls? I need to get one for my mom.
TV and movies would have you believe that there are way more people crawling around in ventilation ducts than there actually are.
“Have you tried putting balogna in it?”
~me, as a marriage counselor
I’m rubber, you’re glue. I’m destroying the planet and you are made of dead horses
My toddler just spent five minutes explaining that he can’t use his imagination because he traded it to a kid at daycare for some fruit snacks. Ok, bro.
Me: You Miss 100% Of The Shots You Don’t Take
Vaccination clinic nurse: You are already boosted. Please Leave
Parenting tip: Unplug the microwave before dropping acid because you’ll inevitably put the baby in there for safe keeping.
me: listen pal no one talks to me that way
guy with british accent:
Whenever someone else takes a pic of me I like to make sure both my hands are showing so it doesn’t scream selfie like my selfies do.
[Job Interview]
Me: I promise to be dedicated to every day, reliable when depended on, and steadfastly devoted always. Nothing means more to me.
Job interviewer: Are you reading a love letter?
I love halloween time 🎃👻🐱:
– candy 🍬🍭🍫
– parties🍕🎉🍻
– costumes👯👺👽
– sacrifices to the dark lord 👉🐓👹
– scary movies🎬📽️💀😲
defendant: *into mic* um can I say something?
defense attorney: NO!
judge: NO!
ghost of dead lawyer: NO!
random stranger: NO!
defendant’s family in courtroom: NO!
prosecutor: YES!!
Cats don’t say YOLO they say YOLNT
police: DROP YOUR WEAPON
me: places my self-deprecating humor gently on the ground
Son: *carrying damaged produce*
Me: Drop that sick beet!
The noise Rice Krispies make in different languages, according to Wikipedia…
*walking away from the big rap battle*
“How did he know that I’m lactose intolerant?”
Not sure why some white people use black slang when they have phrases like, “newsflash pal”
Grandma: what’s oversharing?
Me: It’s when you talk about your hemorrhoid surgery on FaceBook.