“Can you cook dinner tonight?”
Can’t. New meds say I can’t operate any heavy machinery and that stove doesn’t look light
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Wife: You’re lost.
Me: No. This is exactly where we are suppose to park.
when everyone else grabs a partner immediately and the teacher says “why don’t you come up and dance with me”
Once again the nurse sighs and writes “patient refused to step on scale” into my medical chart.
My friend can be so pedantic. I know that saying “Frankenstein” isn’t technically correct, but I can’t remember your baby’s real name.
M: The boss left a memo on my desk again about how awesome I am.
H: You’re a stay-at-home mom.
M: Yes, which explains my handwriting.
Everyone is awful in their own special way.
“I have a PhD, I’m a professor, and yet I could be making more just teaching elementary school! It’s not fair!”
my brother in christ have you ever been the only adult in a room of 28 first-graders
I can sing all the words to the intro song of DuckTales, what’s your flex?
BUFFALO: I was only a kid. I showed Dad my report card. He smiled, hugged me and said ‘good bison’. I never saw him agai…oh, ok I see now
My little dog: *knocks garbage can over in kitchen, walks by me with pizza crust hanging out of his mouth like a cigar*
Mom would send me to the store and I would spend the change on candy and told her I lost it, so she started giving me exact change and I started losing a loaf of bread on the way home.
In Soviet Russia a bar walks into men. The case of the man-killing-bar remains unsolved.
why are they called anti-vaxxers and not the marvelous mrs measles
I like big DUCKS & I cannot lie
All you other mallards can’t deny
That a big beaked freak with a-
Park Ranger: Sir, you’re scaring the kids
Kid: I love you
Me: to the moon?
Kid: yeah
Me: and back?
Kid: yeah
Me: and back again?
Kid: no, that’s too much love
The problem is, once you get the bear in a headlock, you’re going to have to let him go at some point and he’s going to be pissed.
My kid asked for help with her report but if I did it for her she won’t learn! So I showed how to google, change name, & print on her own.
This one’s “Alex”.
Y’all realise that you can play a joke on someone without it being April 1st? Like no one is monitoring this!
One of the most fastest seahorses was Landbiscuit
Of course my children don’t listen to me. I’m not YouTube.
Good morning, Twitter 😊
Why do customers threaten you with “I’m not coming back here” alright Gertrude see if I care? If anything ur doing me a favour luv x
Car trouble, miss? Allow me to squint, and posture heroically while staring at your labyrinthine engine as panic cascades through my spine.
When young and in college, still living at home, I invited my little sister into the room to chat while I wrapped presents. She might have lasted 2 minutes before uttering a disgusted “Give me that!” and taking over. So one year in 60 my presents have looked good.
ME: goodnight honey
WIFE: goodnight
EVIL BULLFROG THAT LIVES UNDER OUR BED: *angry ribbit ribbit*
BOTH OF US (in unison): goodnight evil bullfrog
*happy ribbit ribbit*
“What kind of dog is this?”
“Well actu..”
“Hes cute”
*pets it*
“Sir thats my..”
*picks it up*
“Your a good dog arent you?”
“PUT MY SON DOWN”
I just want to be half as productive as my mom thinks she would be if she was me.
Unfortunately for Jane and Skipper, the hypnotist forgot to bring them out of the trance.
we thought buying an abandoned silo and turning it into a Gamer Silo would be easy, but after most of our computers, consoles, LED lights, streaming equipment, and three guys sank into the grain we realised that this was going to be a real challenge.