So glad I spent $50K on university instead of saving for retirement; I’ll be the most well-read indigent in the VIP area under the overpass.
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Skeletor: Nice ride
He-Man: Thanks
Skeletor: Prince Adam has a pet tiger too
He-Man: Yeah? Complete different guy though
*seductively corrects your posture*
1818 – Rides for miles on horseback to find a newspaper to read by candle light.
2018 – If it takes more than two clicks, I’m not reading it.
[Abruptly stops playing my banjo] Oh the intervention is for ME??
Even if the recipe is called How to Cook One Clove of garlic, use three.
Smashing piñatas blindfolded but it’s just me being outside during the flying insect seasons.
Remember to set your wireless bra to ‘airplane mode’ before take off.
* has cake for breakfast
* can’t finish afternoon run/calls an Uber
* blames running shoes
[robbing bank]
leader: go in & grab everything you can
*i go in to grab loot*
Me: (yanking pen chain, increasingly panicked) no no No NO NO-
what ages does the sticky crusty food particles all over the fridge door handles stop? because it’s not 13, 9 and 7.
Seems like an opportune time to resurface my favorite interview moment
*looking up at the stars*
Me: look at that big one, isn’t it beautiful?
Her: *squinting* can we do this at night, instead?
It’s very rare that a defibrillator fails
But when it does,
no one is shocked
I just heard one of my kids say to her sister, “Hold still. I know what I’m doing.”
Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to go interrupt what I assume is amateur surgery.
99 times out of ten, I’m making shit up.
[first date]
Him: I love Asian girls
Me: [trying to act all Asian]
*smiles
*starts sweating
*attempts to pick up chopsticks
*fumbles
*chopstick goes flying
*stabs him in the eyeHim: No, not like that
Just had an Aha moment
Then a Duran Duran moment
Then a Eurythmics moment
Feeling so jealous of the students in stone age. They didn’t have to study history too much because nothing had happened yet.
man: you’re beautiful
me: gross
man: humanity is a black hole of stupid and i’m dying inside
me: [heart beats fast] oh my god are you single
I was going to have a proper career by 30. I’m 47.
PRIEST: In the beginning there was the word
ME: capsicum
P: no
M: tumescent gerund caliphate
P: stop trying to guess the word
M: maelstrom
I don’t always forget there’s new glass doors At work but when I do I make sure to walk into them face first In front of my coworkers.
Friend: We adopted our dog one year ago.
Me: I always suspected that because it doesn’t look like either of you.
when your food arrives but you have to wait for everyone else at the table
I’ve got just over 13 hours to lose 35 pounds and finish a novel
Make it awkward today by asking people what they did for Valentine’s Day.
When they answer “dinner”, you should say “no…after that”.
People: cheer up, things could be worse
Anxiety: and here are some detailed scenarios how
[Inventing Squash]
FRIEND: What are you doing?
ME: I just [smashes ball] really hate this wall
FRIEND: u know what [grabs racket] so do I
To the thief who stole my antidepressants, I hope you’re happy now.
{first time watching a live stand-up comedian}
me: (from the back) HAHA OMG U SHOULD TWEET THAT