So glad our house has 3 bathrooms so all of my kids can argue while brushing their teeth in mine.
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People that use abbreviations like ppl, wyd, hmu, and idk – what do you do with all that time you saved?
For security reasons, I highly recommend that you leave one of your children home during the holidays to set elaborate booby traps in case of intruders.
Husband: I can’t find the remote. Are you sitting on it again?
Me: No.
Husband: Stand up.
Me: I don’t want to.
Husband: Why?
Me: Because I’m probably sitting on the remote.
tell your crush that you love them before
Pete Davidson will.
Star Wars (1st draft)
Obi Wan: These aren’t the droids you’re looking for
Stormtrooper: Yes they are
OW: No they’re nooot
S: Uh YAH they are
Some think kids are selfish, but when 8 sees I’m carrying too much stuff at once, he comes over and gives me a lengthy explanation as to why Black Panther could beat Spider-Man.
Whatever doesn’t kill you TRIED TO KILL YOU!
I wish Teachers were treated like pro athletes. Million dollar contracts and tenure bonuses.
Pro model erasers and chalk. Showered with Gatorade when the whole class passes.
me: why do you think my parents don’t love me?
therapist: they’re pretty clear about it in the group chat
me: the what
Her: Can I sit down & join you?
Me: Be careful. I’m bad luck.
Her: Oh, no you’re not!
Me: (Sigh) You just sat on some gum…
The quarantine has changed me. I am now a make the bed every day with all 15 pillows kind of person because I have the time and some sort of primal instinct to cozy my nest and I’m thinking maybe my ancestors were actually velociraptors because, also, I bite now.
waiter: have a good day
me: love you too
Boss: I’m afraid I’m going to have to let you go
Me (a trapeze artist): Now!?!?
You can tell a lot about people, you just don’t need to.
My new table from Ikea is actually just the unopened box with a tablecloth thrown over it.
You’re not allowed to say “long story short” after talking for 30 minutes.
7yo: Who’s older: you or dad?
Me: Dad.
7: Then how come you look older?
Me: Santa’s not real.
Due to a gypsy curse, I gain weight each time I consume more calories than are burned by my basal metabolic rate plus daily activities.
“Ben Carson makes stuff up” said Donald Trump, self-proclaimed zillionaire, demigod and unicorn owner.
True
[kitchen]
“Please pass the bee-nut butte-”
*wife glares*
“-the honey”
The irony of my 12-year-old son pointing out that there is a spot on his cutlery while he hasn’t showered in a week is delicious.
Friend: You have guacamole on your face.
Me: *wipes it off with finger, smears it on her cheek*
You have guacamole on your face.
I think my favorite sammich is ice cream
Sometimes, I worship the devil, but only to disappoint my parents. I’m not really invested.
DENTIST: let’s get started, shall we? *places drill on tray*
ME: um
D: *places giant needle on tray*
ME: uhhhhh
D: *places handgun on tray*
Impervious: being an admitted pervert
going to the bottom of the ocean anyone want anything
Who really needs jetpacks, I want to be able to start over from my last save point