Am I the only one who gives people in my neighborhood names they don’t know they have? a.k.a. “Running Man”,”Mustang Bob”, “Blue truck dude”
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be the person your targeted ads think you should be
popsicle not seeing heaven 😭
date: I’m an archaeologist
me: my career is also in ruins
A spinal surgery practice called Build Back Better.
My headstone will probably read “5 lbs from goal weight.”
My neighbor said, wow that skeleton looks almost real and I said I know and to think it was almost free.
When a possum plays dead he’s “smart” and “instinctual” but when I do it, it’s all “what’s wrong with you” and “crime scene investigators are at the door.”
2020 is not Jumanji, it’s X-files.
I get it, you have a philosophy degree, but I just want you to make my latte, not wax poetic about life, okay Baristotle? Extra foam please.
Place a STUDENT DRIVER sign on top of your car, and suddenly nobody suspects you of drunk driving.
Coworker: How did your review go?
Me: I don’t know…I thought playing “Epic” by Faith No More was a strong symbolic start…
Coworker:
Me: Apparently putting a live, flailing fish on her desk was lost on her too.
i’ll take the “hell yes assorted cheese” please
every single thing you’ve ever done and all the decisions you’ve made in life have led to the point where you are reading a tweet that ends in the word chudnugget
[restaurant owners meeting]
“we should start asking customers if they’ve been here before”
why though?
“absolutely no reason at all”
ok deal
Lawyer: I’d like to introduce my star witness
Astronomer: Hello
If you can’t disappear into a well for six months and return with disheveled hair, a glowing tattoo with mysterious symbols, and a blind raven on your shoulder, with no explanation…were they really your friends in the first place?
Oh you’re a vegan. Name all the plants.
[bed]
ME: [with one foot poking out of the covers] Monsters could get me
ME: [pulling foot under covers] I am now completely safe
*watching Tom Cruise run on a hardwood floor in socks*
“Ooh, that IS risky.”
life hack: DO NOT TRY TO CUT CHERRY TOMATOES IN HALF WITH YOUR FOOD SCISSORS
Yoou can lead a horse to water but you need a seahorse to continue your journey
I don’t know, my pockets are always stuffed full of things I need.
he died doing what he loved: trying to put socks on with wet feet while standing next to a cliff
I used to complain about crying babies on airplanes but last week I was flying, both pilots died & a crying baby landed us on a soccer field
[my mom pretends to answer her phone] hello? oh hi Batman…i dunno if he’s eating his vegetables or not
me: [mouth full of broccoli] i am!
The problem with this world is that they just let anyone in.
“Hey Barack”
“yes Joe?”
“I bet T-Rex’s took terrible selfies”
“Ok Joe”
“Because they had…”
“Short arms Joe, yes. I get it. I get it buddy”
When Corner House says something righteous and you just think
Funny how the British conquered so much land looking for spices.
But then refused to use them.