“so, have you ever done a job interview over the phone before?”
[over vigorous peeing] no, this will be a first
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the human just came home. smelling like another dog. this isn’t a problem. i’m totally not upset. if anybody needs me. i’ll be over here. wondering what i ever did to deserve this
My hairdresser might not be a therapist, but he is a captive audience.
Therapist: U need some tools to cope with ur anger
Me: Like a sledgehammer?
T: No. More like breathing-
M: Fire? Can u make me breathe fire?
Me: That’s the murder house on the street.
Friend: That’s your house.
Me: Yea
Chemical wingman
ME: The irony is it’d be harder to identify the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles if they didn’t wear masks
MAN AT URINAL: I didn’t say anything
I told a second grader today I didn’t have a cell phone when I was his age and he looked at me sadly and said oh so you had a flip phone?
cost of the ice cream my kid threw a tantrum in the grocery store to get: $5
the look on his face when I ate it for dinner: priceless
I clicked on one of those DM messages
And now it burns when I tweet
I’m never sure what to do with my eyes when I’m at the dentist. Do I close them? Do I stare at his face? Do I look at the ceiling?
I was laid off by Twitter today. I’m an algorithmicist and psychological operations specialist looking to possibly transition into nation-state level disinformation broadcasting roles. Please DM me if you have any leads!
I can’t be the only one that sees the day when
a direct message from a catfish is called carp DM.
Cashier: How are you today?
Me: You too.
🤦🏻♂️
*planning family vacation*
Me: So what about camping?
Them: We love camping!
Me: Great! I’ll drop you off on my way to the spa.
ants can carry up to 5000 times their body weight?? pfft. watch this- *goes to stomp an ant but it grabs me & slams me thru a picnic table*
stuck on a crowded subway next to a girl playing candycrush, she made a bad move & half the car went “ooooo” in a chorus of dismay
“Why yes, that scale is accurate”
A collection of horror stories
Breaking news:
JUDGE: put ur hand on this book and promise not to lie
PERSON WHO IS IN COURT LITERALY FOR LYING ABOUT THINGS: uh…… ok
You can confuse and ultimately disappoint a lot of people if your trick or treating costume is “pizza delivery man”
Happy: snack
Sad: snack
Stressed: snack
Confused: snack
Normal: snack
Plot Twist: Your taxes cheated on you.
[falling down elevator shaft]
me: soon I’ll reach the elevator balls
I identified a body yesterday.
“That’s a body!” I said.
bruce banner: [getting angry]
black widow: here eat this [hands a mint]
bruce banner: what is this?
black widow: anger manageMINT.
hulk: [sighs heavily]
My mom: The liberals in California are rubbing off on you.
Me: I know, it keeps getting in my hair.
(silence)
There’s no low-key way to explain how you’re donating a third lung to the local medical school
If you tase an electrician, he only becomes more powerful.
I would not hook up with the grinch but i would feel good if i found that he wanted hook up with me
Dogs lick each other’s butts to tell each other they like them. Just like politicians