So he says ” Nice glasses” and I say ” Thanks! They’re for seeing ”
*slaps knee*
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9:30 a.m. Gonna buy a sandwich for later
9:33 a.m. technically this is later
A lemonade stand is a good way to teach your kids the value of someone giving you money because they feel sorry for you.
How to lose weight:
1. Name your kid Weight
2. Take it to the mall
Either you die or it’s a good trampoline. There’s no in-between.
ACCOUNTANT: *taking a look at my books* These are just winky-face emojis.
ME: Yep.
ACCOUNTANT: I think I know why your business is failing.
My personal trainer ran out of treats half way through the sess.
Goal as a white guy
1)Pay taxes
2)Never say anything that may come across as racist
3)Find something clever to do with my arms when I dance.
One of my sons says he likes my new haircut, and the other will have to twirl a sign outside a Mattress Firm to pay for college, I guess.
I’ve discovered I can turn invisible, but it’s involuntary and only works on bartenders.
opening myfitnesspal and crying while i log Ginger Bread House three times
When I first started dating my wife she asked me what some of my dreams were. I told her one was about a T-Rex who didn’t get a job because he couldn’t tie a tie.
She meant goals
Why do we only do certain things for toddlers? Maybe I want some applause when I eat a piece of fruit.
if i was gandalf, i absolutely wouldn’t make four tiny little shoeless bumpkin boys a core part of my crack team to defeat a goblin mega-hitler, but it worked so fair play to him
@DaddyJew @funTweeters
Alarm: I have boyfriend
Kim – Where is North West?
Kanye – *takes out compass*
Kim – I mean my baby!
Kanye – I’m right here.
Kim – Jesus Kanye!
Kanye – Yeezus*
Me: Can’t you just hot-wire it?
Apple technician: No ma’am, your phone actually needs the passcode.
feb 14: i love everything about u
feb 15: don’t breathe like that
ME: we’re leaving in 15 minutes
KID1: im ready
KID2: readyME: ok time to go
KID1: i don’t have any socks
KID2: i fell in the toilet
Perks of being an adult: Nobody will stop me from eating an entire cake.
Cons of being an adult: Nobody stopped me from eating an entire cake..
Chutes and Ladders except it’s just me pushing you down the steps cause you said you didn’t want any pizza yet you helped yourself anyway
soldier: is that a picture of your love?
me: *folding a Subway coupon back into my wallet* yeah
Always blow your man. Pamdé went two weeks without blowing Anakin and we all know what happened to that dude.
Haiku is a cross
between poetry and math.
Satan’s handiwork.
WIFE: Who was at the door?
ME: More carol singers.
HER: What did they sing?
ME: Silent Night
HER: I hope you didn’t t-
ME: I twerked.
A dating app called “Hinder” where some guy shows up in the middle of every date and ruins everything.
I wonder if I’ve seen enough movies to be able to emergency land an airplane
Married foreplay is just five minutes of confusion about whether your spouse is using a suggestive euphemism or asking you to do a chore.
*coroner takes picture of my body after I’m brutally murdered*
Me: delete it
[boxing match]
Commentator: Silva is in the red shorts with green, white & yellow trim
Me: the black guy. Just say Silva is the black guy
Him: I’m a big Star Wars nerd.
Me: Oh yeah, name one ewok.