“So how are the anger management classes?”
We have to crochet stuff when we get mad
“Sounds stupid”
[I furiously make a beautiful cardigan]
You Might Also Like
I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus: A Guide For Talking To Your Children About Polyamory
God: And then let’s send in murder hornets
Angel: Wait, murder hornets? So they can’t go outside?
God: Not a big deal, they’re all quarantined because of Coronavirus
Angel: What if they end up allowed to go back outside?
God: Did you not just hear about the murder hornets?
therapist: and what motivation will we use ?
me: hate fueled spite ?
therapist: no
Comments like this are why we can’t have nice things
Leaflet through the door telling me I can enjoy sex at 75. Which is handy, because I live at number 81.
ME: what came first the chicken or the egg
FRIEND [putting an ice pack on my head]: I’m not sure, people were throwing so many things at you
Apiarist: Don’t! Stop!
Bee: *leaving*
At the self checkout I make small talk with myself and I wish I would just shut up
terminator: come with me if you want to live
me:
terminator: I said–
me: I’m thinking
my favorite thing about Sesame Street is that everyone’s more concerned about Oscar being a grouch than the fact a vampire lives there
I’m sitting next to a beautiful woman at a bar so now it’s only a matter of time before nothing happens.
*my obituary*
Here lies Sarah. She died of starvation after surrendering countless snacks to her “not hungry” children.
Ladies, if you love zoos and meet a nice man who’s in charge of one, he’s a keeper.
first wiseman: i brought you gold
second wiseman: i brought you frankincense
third wiseman: i brought you myrrh
fourth wiseman: i made you these jorts myself
mary: [to the guy writing the bible] don’t write that last one down
was Jim off killing horses or…
My 4yo held up her toy phone and announced she had “an important call to make.”
So I made sure to stay really quiet for a min because, respect.
Then I blasted the TV, begged for snacks, slammed doors & screamed “NOOOO” because, retribution.
I went to Lowe’s to buy a human-sized microwave & the guy loudly said they don’t exist & then took me to a back room & they had lots of them
WAS SHOOTING HIS MOTHER NOT ENOUGH
Google. Filling the gaps in public education.
If your surname is Rice and you don’t name your kid, Fried then I can never be friends with you.
7YO: Daddy you’re so talented
Me: Awww Thank Y..
7YO: …last night your snoring sounded like a pig was beat boxing
Fox News and Facebook did to our parents what they said video games would do to us.
Boss: How ‘bout I dangle a carrot in front of you?
Me *reports him to Human Resources*
Being single gives me time to focus on other things like getting fat
if i ever write “seemingly” in a discussion post or an essay you can bet i have absolutely NO IDEA what im talking about
On your first day at the beach, go up to the toughest-looking guy there, and let the air out of his water-wings.
HEY. Our ancestors didn’t eat brunch. They ate rocks. And fought dinosaurs. Ever heard of fire? They INVENTED it. Enjoy your Bloody Mary.
He died doing what he loved: typing his symptoms into WebMD instead of going to the doctor
DOG: where do you go every day?
OWNER: to work
DOG: i don’t know what that is, but sounds sad
CAT: you leave? really?