“So how did you two meet?”
“Unfortunately.”
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Me: Are you in a bad mood?
Wife: What? No.
Me: You sure?
Wife: I’m sure.
Me: You’re cranky.
Wife: I’m not cranky.
Me: Everything okay?
Wife: OMG. Yes.
Me: Because you seem like you’re in a bad mood.
Wife: OMFG NOW I AM IN A BAD MOOD.
Me:
Wife:
Me: I knew it.
Everyone pointing out that it’s suspicious how many AI tools are free, it’s because building a tech company these days 100% revolves around giving people your product for free/at an extreme discount until they forget how to function without it, then closing the jaws of the trap
Rapidly approaching the tipping point at which “I’ll never be able to finish this WHOLE burrito bowl!” becomes “I should order another burrito bowl, shouldn’t I”
When I laugh on my period
I pretend to be asleep then I actually fell asleep.
Now I’ll pretend I’m skinny.
“I’ll just iron my clothes for work in the morning,” he thought in stupid bachelor.
me: my sister’s getting married, want to be my date?
her: wedding attire?
me: no, judith, she’s marrying a man
I was with my friend when he got pulled over and he said “just be cool” as if after a lifetime of trying I would suddenly figure it out then
Guys, don’t ever tell a girl that she’s yummier than a gummy bear, she’ll know it’s not true because nothing is yummier than a gummy bear.
hell hath no fury like a toddler who lost the chance to push a button
if you’re in a bathroom & person in next stall sneezes, do you say bless you or just applaud like normal? need answer fast too late clapping
my ancestors, who hunted and foraged for whatever food they could get, watching me have anxiety when I’m reading a menu:
Got in a fight with my neighbor again because I tripped his breaker while using his outdoor Christmas lights as an extension cord for my outdoor Christmas lights.
SON: Daddy, what’s the river that flows through New York
ME: It’s The Hudson
HIM: The Hud. Ok. Thank you.
WIFE: Oh ffs
‘I just call it like I see it…’ -People giving their unsolicited opinion about their unsolicited opinions.
Dammit, I forgot which one I left my key under.
Please respect my privacy at this difficult time. I’m in morning.
The wife: what do you want for Christmas, sky is the limit
Me: new boat
The wife: lower sky
The best thing about sitting next to the white guy with dreads on the bus is no one thinks you’re the one that farted
Me: When I walk into the room everyone hisses at me
Therapist: How does that make you feel?
Me: Like filling my house with vipers was less awesome than I’d imagined
Nothing like the door blowing off a plane to make us all appreciate a road trip
I told my mom that “trying to smash” was slang for going to smashburger and now I deeply regret it
Cats won’t give away your position when someone knocks on the door. They hide with you, like understanding furry ninjas.
*applies Chapstick throughout our entire 13 minute conversation*
I drunk an energy drink thinking it will help me stay up to write an exam. But instead my brain has just read wikipedia pages for 3 different type of fish and searched throught 20 etsy pages. So this was a bad idea
What if we joined gangs based on our favorite pasta shape?
I like to think of myself as a guy who doesn’t scare too easily but I just beat the shit out of a motion activated air freshener.
The Macarena was just a tutorial on how to fold a sweater.
That’s not fat. It’s bonus content.