So how do you stop eating the endless breadsticks at Olive Garden does the restaurant close or are you supposed to bring a spotter with you?
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Me: Why is a squid throwing away all my stuff?
Calamarie Kondo: What
4: mom, [6] said if I eat my broccoli he’ll give me a prize, will you give me a prize too?
me: well, being healthy and strong is a good prize
4: no
Wife – “I’m leaving you…”
Me – “noooooo…”
Wife – “…a hotdog in my will”
Me – “…oooyeeahhhhhh”
. : can i have that?
me: have what?
: : thanks
me. wait
⠸ : yoink
me stop that
I got replaced as Romeo in the high school play because the girl playing Juliet kept stabbing herself in Act I.
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?– How to annoy an Avenger when you’re on a road trip.
Welcome to middle age. Prepare to pay for everything you’ve done to your body over the last 40 years.
I open my wallet and an accordion of pictures fall out but they’re all of me holding loaves of bread like a fish I caught.
If anyone’s looking to join a pyramid scheme, hit me up and I’ll connect you with all the girls I went to high school with via facebook.
A message for people with imposter syndrome:
The Pentagon just announced they miscalculated by $3 billion, you’re doing fine (unless you are this one accountant at the Pentagon)
Morpheus: Take the blue pill, story ends
Neo:
Morpheus: Red pill, stay in wonderland
Neo:
Morpheus: Green pill, you learn to juggle
Neo: What-
Morpheus: This purple one is a skittle
*signs up for PayPal because it sounds like having a friend*
I’ve had to walk past this monstrosity every day for the last few weeks and it’s really taking a toll.
The guy that figured out babies instinctively hold their breath under water probably had a lot of explaining to do.
My husband bought lemon-flavored potato chips. Long story short, he’s sleeping in the RV.
I think parents should choose unisex names for their babies like Parsnip or Brisket.
There’s always someone who says “must be nice” when they hear a coworker is off from work and like…my guy, you know you can take days off too right?
Grocery store just charged me $0.10 to offset the environmental impact of my bag and then gave me a paper receipt 3 feet long.
After Eve, God didn’t speak directly to another female for the rest of the Bible. A single woman pissed off an omniscient deity that much.
A public stoning, but it’s just a group of people throwing donut holes at me
Me: Im still mad at you for last night
Hub: Well Today is the 1st. Which means that happened last month. Which means youre being ridiculous
The saddest thing about trying to find a needle in a haystack is that your horse is hiding a drug habit from you.
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: the warrant probably
Officer: you have a broken… what
Me: what
I went for a run today. Of course it was a beer run, but I was sweating.
Me: *opens door*
Jehovah’s Witness: Can I talk to you about the lord?
Me: Can I talk to you about my new keto diet?
Jehova’s Witness: Can we just pretend like I never knocked?
Me: sure
#NeverForget
Just paid my bills, so don’t ask me to come out. I’m at home getting my money’s worth.
I’m not sure what’s more distressing:
Someone had the idea to invent a 72 hour deodorant.
Or that there’s a market for 72 hour deodorant.
Spent all day doing one of my favorite things ever – not dying. Score.
Cleared my browser’s history and cookies after having sex with my GF.