So how do you stop eating the endless breadsticks at Olive Garden does the restaurant close or are you supposed to bring a spotter with you?
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My daughter asked me why my grandfather was a racist, and if she has to become one too
I said it was because his parents didn’t raise him properly, and he was ignorant and full of hate
As she walked away crying I realized she was asking me how he became a race car driver
Save us all the headache of buying my kids more toys.
Just give me money and I’ll put it on the floor & trip on it before pocketing it.
Cell Phone Manufacturers: We’re gonna release a brand new more advanced model.
Apple: We’re gonna release this shit in White. WHITE.
Can someone please invent pantyhose that don’t rip?
I think everyone in this bank just saw my face.
Shall i compare thee to a summers day? For thou maketh me sweaty and bloody irritable
“You have a BA? Ooooh! Look at you! Well, I have a BA, an MA, & a PhD.”
– 3rd degree burn
“I should probably start filling this thing out.”
-I say about my son’s baby memory book on his wedding day.
me: and make it a double. it’s been a long night
bartender: *duct taping two Capri-Suns together*
Me: I’m terrified of aging rock bands
Therapist: You too?
Me: [screams]
Grandma: It’s funny how often on TV shows people hallucinate with dead loved ones
Me: how’d you get out of the casket
Me: Of course I’m an adult, I pay bills
Also me: NO, YOU MAY NOT BORROW MY DARTH VADER SIPPY CUP.
Boy: do u have any fantasies
Me: ok.. so.. the library of alexandria is under siege& Im a librarian whos good at fighting& I save the books
Let’s get married and have kids, so we can have mini versions of ourselves do that annoying thing that our spouse does but louder.
airline clerk: your bag is over 50 pounds so that’ll be an extra $25
me: yes, of course *checks high school physics notes* money reduces the impact of gravity on mass
When did razors get so expensive?
Three more payments and I’ll be able to shave
construction worker: [pulls lever to pour cement out of truck]
me: [tumbles out instead] i accidentally ate all your sidewalk pudding again
If you ever ask a teen to do something and they just say “sure” without arguing, check that they haven’t been replaced with an android.
Misery loves company. And from what I can tell, the company she loves is the one where I work.
Opened the bathroom cupboard and a bunch of feminine hygiene products fell out on me.
It was a tampede.
kids are so chill, they never force you to eat vegetables, like their adult counterparts
Everyone is unique.
Except you.
You are not unique.
You are the only not unique person in human history.
Me: {after awkwardly long silence} So you come here often?
Waitress: Yes I work here can you please just order.
My family is missing that gene that tells you when trash cans are full.
I was so happy my mail order bride arrived today.
My Wife wasn’t.
She did say I can use the crate as a doghouse.
Odd, we don’t own a dog.
Mugger: give me everything you got
Spice Girls: Oh tell me what you want what you really really want
Mugger: ok nevermind
It’s not God I dislike, He’s cool. it’s certain members of his fanclub that rub me the wrong way.
My son just got braces and his mouth hurts too much for solid food so I made him a milkshake but he didn’t want it and then my husband said he’d drink it but then he didn’t end up wanting it either. So no, sadly my milkshake does NOT bring any boys to the yard.
I have a stomach ache and my husband is mad at me for eating the peanut butter out of the mouse traps.
lying here thinking of the time i was about to compliment a lady at the gas pumps on her shiny black scarf and then i realized she worked there and just had new trash bags hanging around her neck as she took out the full ones