So how long do I have to microwave this spider before I let it bite me?
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Friend: what are u doing
Me: training my pet rock
Friend: that’s dumb
Pet Rock: *leaps from my hand & hits him in the face*
Me: no rocky, no
Priest: look son, I think you should kick the habit
Me: ok
*nun screams*
I’d like to make a blanket statement right now to say that fleece is far superior to wool.
First date:
And if you could slide over a little bit my Mom would like to sit next to you…
I’m not sure who looks more frightened & confused when someone knocks on my door, the dog or me?
The cashier just checked me out.
2020 is the worst Choose Your Own Adventure book ever
I’ve had my heart broken before, but I got back up on that horse and said “C’mon, can’t we give us one more chance? Stomp once for yes.”
Rich people don’t buy lottery tickets, what does that tell you about lottery tickets?
why are there sports bars but not cute bars where u can sip wine and cheer for competitive cooking shows?
An unintentionally hysterical ad offering proof why ‘branding’ always needs a second pair of eyes.
Me when I wear 4 inch heels
5: Wait, chicken we eat is from DEAD CHICKENS?
Me: Well, yes.
5: So Chicken McNuggets used to be part of REAL CHICKENS?
Me: Well, no.
*makes plans with someone*
(30 seconds later) what have I done
Just overheard someone say they need an “escape goat” for their project & I can’t decide if they’re a complete idiot or an evil genius.
I solve the trolley problem by choosing whichever option is more inconvenient for the passengers
ME: Is that a B or an 8?
HUSBAND: It’s a D. When are you going to get reading glasses?
ME: My eyes are fine. The print is too small.
KID: It’s an O. You’re both blind.
Me: “Take me to your leader!”
60,000 bees: *Just stuffing me awkwardly into the hive*
This orange juice says shake well before drinking.
*shakes juice and puts back in fridge then opens beer
Tell me you get it…🤣
[Hunting Robots]
Me: You a robot?
Robot: Would a robot read this?
*shows me copy of Totally Not A Robot magazine*M: Hm. That checks out.
When did kale arrive? 2007? Must’ve come via spaceship. I had never heard of it in my life. And then suddenly, it was everywhere. It had hearty advocates; & it had many, many detractors. How does a thing, kale, go from not existing to being ubiquitous? Spaceships. Only answer.
Parents: Don’t play with sharp objects.
Parents in October: Here’s a knife. Now stab this pumpkin.
Boss: And you’re not showing the new people around until you stop referring to the washroom as “where the magic happens”
5 year old: Where does wind come from, daddy?
Me: It comes from people asking too many questions.
me: *using chocolate coins as currency*
clerk: those are not legal tender
me: tender? buddy, these will melt in your mouth
[bank]
Robber: EVERYONE GET DOWN!
Me: [crying] my wife left & my kids think I’m a joke
Robber: No I mean-
Robber2: Wait! Let him finish
TRUE STORY: My wife and I cleaned the house last weekend and found that we both have children from previous marriages.
Producer: What should we do with the deer movie?
Walt Disney: Kill the mom.
P: and the mermaid movie?
WD: Kill the mom.
P: maybe for the lion movie we can do something different?
WD: Oh ok….kill the dad.
I am scared of asking people how old I look cause the idiots might guess correctly.