So how long do I have to microwave this spider before I let it bite me?
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Producer: This is a complete ripoff of Sesame Street.
Me: How so?
Producer: For starters, it stars puppets you refer to as “Moppets” named Large Bird, Herman the Toad, The Archduke, Alma, and Kurt & Arnie. And you call it…?
Me: Poppy Seed Blvd.
Producer: Get out.
I wonder who the sorting hat will choose as the new Pope.
ufo crew: why are we hovering?
ufo captain: i wanna pet those dogs
ufo crew: why not land?
ufo cap: those talking monkeys are annoying af
mugger: *points gun* your money or your life
me: sure thing *hands him my id* you got 2 kids and didn’t actually understand the matrix
mugger: no i mean-
me: *already running away* your late for steph’s recital
I just found out Canada isn’t real
Turns out it was all mapleleaf
could a mosquito drink blood out of a cup or something or are they legally required to capri sun my legs all summer
Me: you are chewing your food too slow son
Kid: am doing it faster in my imagination
Me: try faster in real too
Kid: it tastes better in my imagination
[dumping my father-in-law’s ashes into the trash bin]
wife: I should have been the one to do it
me: just tell him to quit smoking in our house
him: there’s been another burglary how do people get into that
me: no idea *putting halloween masks on the kids and handing them bags* let’s start with the rich houses
PeeWee’s Playhouse gave me very unrealistic expectations of how much fun I would have with my furniture
me: *offering joint* wanna hit
giraffe:
me: nvm ur already high lol
[later]
scientist: first time we’ve seen a giraffe eat a human
reviewed some movies recently
making it rain (CHEETOS) in the club (my bedroom)
Me: How was school?
5: It was good. I only needed a couple of reminders
Me: what did you need to be reminded about?
5:
Me:
5: You don’t need to worry about that
What kind of bears don’t have teeth? Gummi bears. 😉
Who has 3 thumbs and needs an alibi?
Me: “How much for your top of the line masturbation chamber?” Sales person: “You mean the shower stall?”
Windows: Would like to…
⚪️ Restart
⚪️ Update and restartMe: I’d like to restart
Windows:
Me: Do you want to meet your sisters at the bus stop?
5: *doesn’t look up* I already know them.
5 kept asking Alexa what time his friend was coming over today. he was getting pissed when she didn’t know the answer.
dude may be able to work a tablet better than me but it’s good to be reassured i’m still smarter.
help my (23M) fireflies (10,000) have unionized against me
If I tell you I will do anything for you, don’t get too excited, because I will also do anything for a slice of pizza.
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
Anyone get their invitation to the coronation yet?
“Camping” – noun:
when you create a late night picnic for the hungry animals in a field with you being the meaty snack
[first day as a Twitter designer]
Never mind an edit button. What people really want are round avis.
We’re not really in the same boat if you’re the only one with a life jacket
China are probably making all the medals anyway.
Angel: So you ended your beef with the humans?
God: Yup. It’s all water over the bridge now.
Angel: You mean “under the bridge” right?
God:
Angel:
God: Get Noah on the line.