So I asked my husband to buy 6 potatoes.
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I saw an image of the Virgin Mary on a pumpkin!
It squashed all of my doubts…
And, reinforced my faith in Gourd.
Them: hey, you coming for drinks after work?
Me:…
We’re severely underutilizing the concept of groundhog’s day. We should be ripping more animals out hiding and asking them unknowable questions about the future at least weekly
I’m not an actress but I play one on the phone when the lady asks me if I have a pen to write down the confirmation code.
‘You have an important event coming up? OwmeeGod, count me in!’ -pimples.
Me: ‘Bless me Father for I have sinned.’
Priest: ‘How long since your last confession, my son?’
Me: ‘About 45 minutes.’
If I wash a load of dishes everyday all of my dishes stay clean
If I skip one day I have 7000000000 loads of dishes the next day.
How?
If my daughter hasn’t figured out how to forge my signature in her homework folder by now, that’s her own problem.
Me: *mouths I love you*
Him:
M: *blows kiss*
H:
M: *adjusts my pajama top*
H: *empties the can & hops onto the side of the garbage truck*
I don’t go camping. I can’t sleep at night knowing I locked my front door with a zipper.
A beloved neighborhood bagel shop called Schmear We Go Again
[Busy ER]
Patient: So what happens after this?
Me: [stares into distance] Some think heaven. Some think nothing happens. Possibly even limbo until some higher power decides your fate
Patient: So…I meant what happens now you’ve requested an inpatient bed for me?
Me: Oh. Same.
The term “baby steps” is so offensive to babies. If you’re a baby, taking a step is the most impressive thing you’ve ever done.
I just read a book about Stockholm Syndrome. It was terrible at first but by the end I kind of liked it.
Someone broke in to my house and stole all my lamps. I know I should be upset, but I’m delighted.
Got a tattoo of my mom telling me not to get a tattoo
*gets tax refund* *calls zoo*
Hello, how much to rent an otter for the day? Please say less than $47. Hello?
Me, writing: I must get the description of this wrought-iron fence that I remember from my childhood exactly right, down to the bumps and bubbles in the many coats of paint., no matter how long it takes.
Me, editing: *deletes three pages of description; inserts “a fence”*
you (uncultured): Ok.
me (cultured): Othousand.
would Medusa wear a hat
like this OR like this
If your husband tells you you’re being too dramatic don’t forget to bow when you thank him.
There are some “IDIOTS” in this world, That Always Reply “NO” to every question we ask them….
now tell me, Are you one of Them?
[at the gym]
wheat: *flexing* you like what you see babe?
*shredded wheat walks by*
wheat: SONOFA
I give new meaning to the word “awesome.”
At least I did when I changed the Wikipedia entry.
The first 8 minutes of any plumber’s visit are spent apologizing for what we tried before we called him.
I’m not upset that you stopped my sneeze. I’m upset because you made my face look stupid for no reason.
Me after learning something literally 5 min ago:
Everybody else who doesn’t know this thing is an idiot
Once I went to a concert and I tried to throw my panties up on the stage but I suck at throwing so they landed in the crowd like four feet ahead of me and I was asking some guy, “Hey can I get my underwear back? Sir. Can I please. Get my underwear back. Excuse me?”
“A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered drawer .”