Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit, probably
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*i walk over to a coworker who is singing along with a song on the radio, gently put my hand on their shoulder & whisper*
no
I tell my toddler to “ask nicely” and instead of saying please he whispers his demands and I’m not even sure that he’s wrong
I think we figured out which one was Destiny’s child.
As a man with a beard, I can tell you, when you get sauce in there you just rub it in. It’s part of the beard now
I’m a vegetarian except for chicken, beef, pork, and fish products.
Me: I wanna chew the gum
Willy Wonka: No! You’ll turn into a blueberry
M: I’m doing it
W: Don’t
M:
Do you also get pissed off when you walk into a public restroom and someone else is there and you have to wash your hands? Just me then
Leaving the beach yesterday I said to myself ‘don’t leave your phone on the roof of the car, woman’.
Long story short, someone found my phone on the side of the road and just returned it to me
i don’t understand all these newfangled apps. like “phone”
the idiots at NASA just hit Jupiter with one of their fireworks
I love when people spend 7 minutes trying to back into a parking space just so they can leave “quicker”
Her: If you hear something in the woods, you tell me. if you hear something in the water, you tell me. But under no circumstances are you allowed to take off your blindfold.
Me: All this just because you forgot to pack your makeup for our camping trip?
Yeah ok whatever, bassist. Stand over there being all tall and quiet and keeping the rhythm together. Just look at the drummer and exchange your little knowing glances like you know you want to.
My daughter is celebrating her 17th birthday with her friends at an Italian restaurant. My wife and I discussed what we did with our friends on our 17th and both stories involved alcohol, vomiting, fighting, the police, and drunk driving. I’m so glad my daughter is a square.
Historical fact: The term “bro” originated over a hundred million years ago and was short for brontosaurus.
so no-one told you life was gonna be this way *gunshot* *gunshot* *gunshot* *gunshot*
To the woman who just honked at me to leave this parking spot, I suddenly have dozens of urgent emails to respond to.
if I’m wearing a suit you better be dead or getting married
I had an irrational fear of bees until I saw My Girl and it became rational.
[First Date]
Me: So this has been great.
*moves in for a kiss*
Me: Jesus, a little handsy there.
Octopus: I can’t… I can’t help it.
Merry Christmas. The three wise men.
[Creation]
God: *creates the crab
Crab: “wtf?”
God:”You’re a crab”
Crab:”wtf?”
God:”Now go forth”
Crab: *walks sideways “WTAF?!”
Whenever I’m in doubt, I ask myself “What would Jesus do?” then I remember Jesus got crucified, his decision making skills weren’t brilliant
Him: are you an early bird or a night owl?
Me: I’m more of a tired afternoon duck.
Are there any police officers willing to come to my house in uniform and tell my kids that not listening to me is against the law
[in the world of chess]
kings: here’s a sword
bishop: what do i do with this? i can’t even run straight
Imagine a squirrel making a nest at your window and being able to watch them sleep and grow 🥺
If Bugs Bunny was as sarcastic in real life as he was in the cartoons I’d be like, “HOLY SHIT A TALKING RABBIT!”
I mean, technically aren’t we all “foodies”? I’ve never met anyone who’s like “nothing for me waiter, I’ll just photosynthesize”.