The dollar tree has motion sensor Christmas ornaments that blast jingle bells in case your family doesn’t already hate you…
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Me: I’ll email the document, but I REFUSE to send it over telephone line.
Boss: What the hell are you talking about?
Me: I’m an anti-faxer.
Hot hot hot 🥵
it’s always “wyd” and never “i spent $1,000 on harry styles pit tickets for you”
I’m pretty sure all of the 7 dwarfs were named after a stage of Snow Whites’ heroin addiction.
When you’re Godzilla every city is a walkable city
toothfairy had to leave a note apologizing she couldn’t find the tooth last night despite CLEAR instructions to her customers where the designated tooth pick-up spot is.
My dog must think that the mailman just can’t take a hint
me: what makes you angry
pirate: when someone steals my p
Walk around with the same confidence of a toddler who has chosen their own clothes.
me: *filling my plate with a heaping pile of mashed potatoes*
brain: THIS IS PORTION CONTROL PUT THE SERVING SPOON DOWN WE REPEAT PUT TH
me: *goes radio silent*
Let the sword wielding plants fight the Boston Dynamics murder robots.
“Welcome to lazy club. My name i-*doors get kicked in*
“THIS IS A ROBBERY! NOBODY MOVE!”
[voice from the back] “Nobody was going to.”
JOHN LENNON: Help! I need somebody
ME: okay I’m here what do you ne-
JOHN LENNON: not just anybody
ME: damn wow okay
God: you hate the moon.
Wolf: why?
God: he stole your girlfriend.
Wolf: I have a girlfriend?
God: not anymore.
Wolf: because the moon-
God: -stole her yes.
Wolf: I hate the moon.
God: I know.
Wolf: I just miss her so much.
God: let it out.
Wolf: [takes a deep breath]
6 month checkup…
Doctor: You don’t look so good. Do you smoke or drink alcohol?
Me: I drink it.
Turns out there isn’t a single sexy explanation for having a fork in your bed.
ME: What’s this bit here?
NURSE: …his heart
ME: Hm.
NURSE: Your résumé said you were a surgeon
ME: My résumé says a lot of things
If you get on the train while people are still getting off, may your tea be forever cold
Just ruined $387 worth of blinds in the house but that fly is dead.
confession: when my barber spins me around and hands me a mirror to check the back I just fake it. Who is even that coordinated?
i do believe that bears are dangerous and anyone who thinks they can get close to one is very stupid. but i also think i am different and the bear would sense my loving spirit
Friend: You have guacamole on your face.
Me: *wipes it off with finger, smears it on her cheek*
You have guacamole on your face.
My son can play any song by ear on the piano.
I can sort items for the recycling bin.
If anyone needs some loose IKEA parts, let me know. Also, if you’re ever at my apartment, I’d avoid sitting on or touching any of my furniture.
The adult life I imagined as a child involved less laundry and more group dance numbers.
Welcome to 50, where your body says no to you far more than you have the energy to say it to your kids.
Samsung just announced a series of water resistant phones. Just what you want in a phone that sets itself on fire – to be water resistant.
I’ve got a really bad feeling about this bathroom, you guys.
Woo hoo, July 4th wknd! Popped opened a beer, unbottoned my pants, put my feet up. My boss keeps looking at me weird, though.
‘Do what you want!’ she cried lying back on the bed. ‘I love a man who takes control.’
‘OK’ he said and put her CDs into alphabetical order.