Even my imaginary friend got bored and left me a note saying ‘we should see other people’
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MY MOM: every time I type a letter it types it twice?
ME: have you restarted your computer?
MY MOM: (very sadly) I was hoping you’d have a better idea.
My friend was like “hey bring some cd’s to listen to on the trip” and I was like “where are we going, 2001?”
me: i really messed up this time. we’re in deep with the cartel.
my wife: how much money do you owe pampered chef this time?
Lego: Build your own goddamn toys.
quarantine day 1: filet mignon with bordelaise sauce, charred asparagus and roasted garlic fingering potatoes
quarantine day 5: entire bag of stale marshmallows
quarantine day 7: tequila
since you’re having surgery tomorrow, get here early and remember no eating after midnight
“because of nausea?”
no, because you’re a gremlin
whenever a study shows excessive screen time causes brain damage i’m like yeah. me know.
*running from the cops at night* DAMN THESE LIGHT-UP SHOES.
An app that tells you the cleanest highway bathrooms. Why isn’t this a thing yet.
a fat bumblebee keeps bumping into the window trying to get inside and ignores me explaining that outside with the sun and fresh air and flowers is where he wants to be so I’m holding my laptop up to the glass to show him I’m doing my taxes and convince him this is the bad place
I’ve got 2 brilliant plans to help me retire early. Plan A is to win the lottery tonight & if that fails plan B is to win the lottery tomorrow. Should be a piece of piss.
My 17-year-old bought us dinner and now he’s making brownies and we’re about to watch a movie together.
I don’t even care what crime he committed to inspire this good behavior, I just hope they don’t catch him anytime soon.
*A tree barges into a barber shop and starts kicking the hair piles* HOW DO YOU LIKE IT, HUH
Beer enthusiasts should have an OnlyCans.
My wife made me pack my own bag for vacation and now I have to figure out how to wear potato chips.
What do we want?
Decisiveness!
When do we want it?
Ummm…
Friend: That was the exit. Did you see the sign?
Me: I saw the sign
F: …
Me: And it opened up my eyes
F: Oh no.
Me: I SAWW THE SIIIGNNN
when wolves raise a human child no one cares, but when i raise a wolf as my child and send it to elementary school everyone freaks out
therapist: and what did we say you should do when you’re feeling upset?
me: order a large pizza and eat it in the shower while thinking of ways to avenge those who hurt me
therapist: no
why doesn’t every store have a lost spouse aisle??
Boss: And what’s your ideal salary?
Me: Well how much does the position pay?
Boss: That depends on how much you THINK it pays
Me: What if I overestimate how much it pays?
Boss: Then we won’t hire you
Me: What if I underestimate?
Boss: Congrats! You’re our ideal candidate!
If you love someone, set them on fire. If they come back, it’s a phoenix
I like for my resolutions to be attainable so this year I resolve that I will neither become the pope nor will I become a cannibal.
Usually takes me two or three tries to correctly aim the remote at the TV, if anyone was thinking of challenging me to a duel.
[sylvester stallone hides behind something in a movie]
me to no one: they don’t call him sly for nothing
‘Hit me with your pet shark’ #RuinAn80sSong
[getting pulled over]
ME: excuse me officer what was i doing wrong?
MOM COP: you were driving erratically. are you hungry? you seem hungry. step out of the car and eat this alphabet soup backwards for me
Can someone call my keys? I forgot where I put them
The only time I’ve ever been a priority is when I paid extra for shipping.
Friend asks me to be her maid of honor:
M-What do I have to do?
F-Well I know you, so I’m expecting very little.
Mission accomplished.