“So I go east? Then west? Then back east?”
~ Me, drunk and getting directions from the inflatable stick figure in front of a car dealership
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She said she wanted to bump uglies. So, naturally, I got all showered & freshened up and then I rammed my Ford Pinto into her Honda Element.
Urban Outfitters: the most expensive way to look poor.
Don’t perform CPR because you never know when a giant alien spider is dressed in a human suit.
If you don’t believe in evolution how do you explain such striking similarities between the doughnut and the bagel?
horse: hey, steve. how’s it going?
deer: hi, deborah. same crap, different day
“Oh hey there, didn’t recognize you with your cap on,” I say flirtatiously to my toothpaste.
“I’ve an appointment with Dr Patel.”
“Dr Patel is off sick today so-”
[slowly backs away & whispers]
“U people can’t even help yourselves.”
RIDDLER: What has–
BATMAN: A gazebo
ROBIN: Matches
RIDDLER: Let me finish-
BM: A paperweight
R: Dental floss
RIDDLER: I hate you guys
driverless cars????
I don’t trust autocorrect to pick the correct word let alone let a car just drive me …. by itself
At the last supper Jesus was probably like it would be way more comfortable for everyone if some of you sat on the other side of the table
John won’t let me go to dinner in my towel even thought it is my favorite outfit
it’s time for sharks to evolve again. it’s been four hundred million years. be poisonous or something
[breathing]
“I could do this all day.”
I’m sorry if I always sound angry when I speak, but I’m a parent and I suffer from a condition called Resting Batman Voice.
Elon Musk & Grimes agreed to split custody of X Æ A-12 equally so somewhere a judge is trying to calculate X ÆA-12➗2
I’m not taking the Democrat convention seriously until someone starts talking to a table.
I guess I could try to do “No Nut November” but I think it’ll be a REALLY white christmas if I manage it.
Lower your expectations.
Lower yet.
Keep going.
There.
Hi, I’m Nancy!
getting a cast iron skillet so i can still not do my dishes, but now people will think i’m classy
My sunscreen says its SPF 100. I opened the tube and squeezed out a blanket.
Btw the funniest thing you can do is openly not recognize a biglaw name. In law school someone told me she’d been an assistant for Mayer Brown and I asked what city they were the mayor of. Her face was incredible.
One of my wishes in life is to run across the Pacific Ocean in an air tight giant hamster ball.
When I was a little girl dreaming about what life in my thirties might be like, I envisioned way more powerful enemies.
Interviewer: describe yourself
Me: Me? Personally, I’m a personable person
The school asked my wife to stop me driving with the kids in the car as their teachers are tired of explaining that the things I yell at other road users aren’t biologically or physically possible.
it’s rude to tell someone they’re incorrect. A more polite response is, “Did you know you’re incorrect?”
When I die, someone, please attend my funeral dressed as the Grim Reaper and just stand there and don’t say a word. Thanks.
Wile E Coyote: I can’t get rid of this headache
*TNT explodes*
*anvil drops on his head*
*bus flattens him*
Dr: it’s probably stress-related
5yo: *sniffling*
Me: “Need a tissue, Bud?”
5yo: *wipes nose with couch* “Why?”
Memo means idiot in Spanish. So yeah, I’ve written plenty of memoirs.