The chick next to me brought everything she owned on the plane. She’s currently pitching her tent & unpacking.
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Nobody:
Midwesterners: why would I fly when it’s only a 14 hour drive?
*person walks past me minding his business and not bothering me in any way*
“What’s this idiot doing?”
Shoe Salesman: (taking measurements) looks like a size 10 would be a perfect fit
Ronald McDonald: I said (clenching teeth) bring me a size 44
I gained three pounds last weekend and I’m fairly certain the switch to daylight saving time has something to do with it.
People moaning about the weather at least it’s not snowing. Imagine shovelling snow in this heat.
*adds pineapple to your lasagna*
ME [opening a card from the boss that says ‘get better soon’]: but i’m not sick, sir
BOSS: no, you’re just
terrible at this job
Me: Roses are red, violets are blue…
Them: I’m going to stop you there man. Imma assume this is your first rap battle?
Apparently John Oliver is too awesome for words. But we already knew that.
[family feud]
Steve Harvey: Top 5 answers on the board, name a place you would plant evidence…
Me: *buzzes first* EVIDENCE GARDEN
To the person that stole my glasses.
I will find you, I have contacts.
No you shut up 😂🥳
I’m so good at astrology I know all the zodiac signs by heart
Aquaman
Fish
Airhead
Tommy
Jumanji
Cancer
Leo
Virgin
Liberal
Scorpion
Sa..sag..fhgjhuiujh
Caprisun
A guy knocked on my door asking for a donation for the Abandoned Children’s Home…so I gave him my kids.
My monster costume for Halloween’s just going to be whispering, “better hope it’s not the poisoned one,” to kids when I hand out candy.
News Flash: Netflix Allows Employees One Year Maternal And Paternal Leave
“we’re out of bread”
“ciabatta be kidding!”
[waiter takes out gun]
“make another bread pun and ur toast, pal… shit”
[i take out my gun]
My husband said the doctor told him I can suck out his kidney stone. After 3 days of trying, I think he lied to me.
smoking a cigarette reduces your life by 11min unless you smoke it real fast then it only takes like 3 or 4
which department at your work thinks they know everything but constantly screws things up and why is I.T.
Show your neighbor they shouldn’t park their boat outside of their house by filling it with two of every animal.
“HI DO YOU WANT TO DRESS UP NICE SO WE CAN QUEUE OUTSIDE A CLUB & GET INSIDE & QUEUE UP TO BUY A DRINK & THEN QUEUE UP TO GO TO THE TOILET?”
ME: Whatcha doin?
WIFE: Watchin Dune.
ME: I asked you first, Sharon.
I suggested we say please and thank you to Alexa so our kids can hear us and it reinforces being nice to strangers and my wife loved it. my real reason is when AI becomes our sentient overlord it’ll remember we were always kind to it and let us go live in the woods by ourselves.
[to a mushroom] ok, pretty cute. but let’s see you without the hat
Hi kids I’m Keanu Reeves here to tell you that speed is never cool unless you’re a professional SWAT member on a bus that’s about to blow up
Apparently I have an on again off again relationship with reality. I just can never tell which one.
*pets unicorn*
*National Spelling Bee Final
– Spell cyclops.
– Use in a sentence.
– Cyclops have one eye.
*winks at audience
– C-E-Y-E-C-L-O-P-S.
So this is how I learned my work calendar wasn’t private.
me: what do you want from me
wife: a divorce
me: i meant for christmas
*In Hospital*
Me: So nurse, when are you giving me my sponge bath? *slow wink*
Nurse: Right after I administer your enema you didn’t need until just now. *slower wink, snaps gloves*